Posts Tagged ‘dog’

Dear Paula Abdul…

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Paula Abdul might be back in show business, folks! Simon Cowell was interviewed about his new show The X Factor (kind of like Idol but… well… yeah, kind of like Idol) and he said he’s trying to get Paula signed on as one of the judges. I know exactly what this is… this is a classic case of “forgetting how crazy an ex was”.  I see my guy friends go through this all the time. They’ll date a chick who will be at a dinner party and tell non-stop crazy drunken rambling stories about how she almost lost a bet in college where she’d have to make out with a dog and everyone at the dinner table is like, ummmmm, WTF is up with this chick… then my buddy breaks up with her because she’s legitimately looney tunes, and 6 months later she pops back up in his life and they’re checking in together at the Hollywood Bowl and posting Facebook albums titled “Disneyland w/ my babe!” This should be a warning to all men, including Simon Cowell: just because you forget how crazy a chick is doesn’t mean she got less crazy, it just means you have a selective memory (and oh by the way, I’m pretty sure your girlfriend made out with a Golden Retriever.)

Dear Amanda Bynes…

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Yesterday Amanda Bynes took to her twitter account to announce her adorable teacup Pomeranian Little Angel had gone missing. Several hours later things took a turn for the worse and she posted the upsetting news that Little Angel was no longer with us. So sad!

Life just isn’t fair. It’s stories like this that make one wonder: why do bad things happen to good dogs? And instead, why can’t bad things happen to bad dogs… like the giant Black Lab Stormy who lives next door to me and takes the most gigantic shits all over my neighborhood; huge Black Lab monster turds just waiting there for me to step in with my gym shoes (the good news is that I usually get a buffer of at least one elliptical machine on either side at the gym because no one wants to sniff doodie while they’re on the Precor.) Little Angel just hung out in Amanda Bynes’s purse all day. She probably took precious little rabbit turd-like poos which I’m sure a classy dame like Amanda would gingerly pick up with a tissue and immediately dispose of. Not like Stormy’s owner… she likes to let the boulder-sized dumps sit around and rot for awhile until they get all hard and white and crusty; it’s like a poop sculpture art installation out in front of my building — a mini dookie Stonehenge.

But somehow in this crazy, messed up world we live in, Little Angel is gone and Stormy’s alive and kicking and just shittin’ away the days. Good call, Universe! Goooood call.


How I'm handling the Stormy situation