Posts Tagged ‘drugs’

Dear Denzel Washington…

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

Uhm. Spoiler alert?

I saw Flight over the weekend starring Denzel Washington playing a pilot who really likes to party.  Like reeeeaally likes to party.  Like gets trashed the night before, the morning before (and during!) a flight but it’s cool because he takes a hit of coke before flying to straighten him out.

My biggest takeaway from the movie (aside from NEVER EVER feeling comfortable on a flight again) is: THAT’S WHAT COCAINE DOES?!  I’ve never done cocaine. In the movie it’s kinda like… hey look, Denzel is a mess of a human, sloppy and drunk… then he snorts some cocaine and voila!  New man!  Ready to take on the world! Save lives! Testify before the FAA!  If that’s how cocaine works I think I needed some like yesterday.  And last Saturday.  And most weekends throughout college.  Get a new PR firm, cocaine!

 

Dear Paula Abdul…

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Paula Abdul might be back in show business, folks! Simon Cowell was interviewed about his new show The X Factor (kind of like Idol but… well… yeah, kind of like Idol) and he said he’s trying to get Paula signed on as one of the judges. I know exactly what this is… this is a classic case of “forgetting how crazy an ex was”.  I see my guy friends go through this all the time. They’ll date a chick who will be at a dinner party and tell non-stop crazy drunken rambling stories about how she almost lost a bet in college where she’d have to make out with a dog and everyone at the dinner table is like, ummmmm, WTF is up with this chick… then my buddy breaks up with her because she’s legitimately looney tunes, and 6 months later she pops back up in his life and they’re checking in together at the Hollywood Bowl and posting Facebook albums titled “Disneyland w/ my babe!” This should be a warning to all men, including Simon Cowell: just because you forget how crazy a chick is doesn’t mean she got less crazy, it just means you have a selective memory (and oh by the way, I’m pretty sure your girlfriend made out with a Golden Retriever.)

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Monday, November 8th, 2010

What can I say, she won me over in Mean Girls.  She kind of lost me around the time she went on the coke-fueled car chase, but hell, I wasn’t in the car; who am I to hold a grudge?  Now’s she’s got 2 months left in rehab but was just spotted shopping it up at Forever 21 at a mall nearby… escaping the fortress that is Betty Ford all in the name of flimsy leggings and cheap jewelry?  She hasn’t pulled a caper like that since The Parent Trap hijinx with her British twin.  In my completely unqualified opinion it appears as if she’s fast on the road to recovery!