Posts Tagged ‘drunk’

Dear Denzel Washington…

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

Uhm. Spoiler alert?

I saw Flight over the weekend starring Denzel Washington playing a pilot who really likes to party.  Like reeeeaally likes to party.  Like gets trashed the night before, the morning before (and during!) a flight but it’s cool because he takes a hit of coke before flying to straighten him out.

My biggest takeaway from the movie (aside from NEVER EVER feeling comfortable on a flight again) is: THAT’S WHAT COCAINE DOES?!  I’ve never done cocaine. In the movie it’s kinda like… hey look, Denzel is a mess of a human, sloppy and drunk… then he snorts some cocaine and voila!  New man!  Ready to take on the world! Save lives! Testify before the FAA!  If that’s how cocaine works I think I needed some like yesterday.  And last Saturday.  And most weekends throughout college.  Get a new PR firm, cocaine!

 

Happy Night Before Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011

Dear John Galliano…

Thursday, June 23rd, 2011

Back in February, eccentric British fashion designer John Galliano was arrested in France for making come crazy anti-Semitic comments in a bar.  He went to court yesterday and tried to blame it on being drunk.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve used total wastedness as an excuse for a lot of things:  making out with a homeless dude (“but guys, he’s soooooo hot!”), sending several regrettable drunk texts that included the line “you’re my soulmate”, and even mistaking the crisper drawer in my fridge for a toilet (true story.  I wiped with broccoli)… but never have I referenced Hitler in a positive light or ranted about the supremacy of the Aryan race.  You know why?  Because although I have questionable decision-making skills and a low alcohol tolerance, I’m not a racist asshole.  John, next time you’re about to open your mouth, try sucking face with a dirty shoeless man whose house is a shopping cart — much better plan.

 

Dear Paula Abdul…

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Paula Abdul might be back in show business, folks! Simon Cowell was interviewed about his new show The X Factor (kind of like Idol but… well… yeah, kind of like Idol) and he said he’s trying to get Paula signed on as one of the judges. I know exactly what this is… this is a classic case of “forgetting how crazy an ex was”.  I see my guy friends go through this all the time. They’ll date a chick who will be at a dinner party and tell non-stop crazy drunken rambling stories about how she almost lost a bet in college where she’d have to make out with a dog and everyone at the dinner table is like, ummmmm, WTF is up with this chick… then my buddy breaks up with her because she’s legitimately looney tunes, and 6 months later she pops back up in his life and they’re checking in together at the Hollywood Bowl and posting Facebook albums titled “Disneyland w/ my babe!” This should be a warning to all men, including Simon Cowell: just because you forget how crazy a chick is doesn’t mean she got less crazy, it just means you have a selective memory (and oh by the way, I’m pretty sure your girlfriend made out with a Golden Retriever.)

Dear Kathie Lee Gifford…

Friday, January 7th, 2011

In a recent interview with Access Hollywood, Kathie Lee Gifford revealed that she’s never turned on a computer.  If I ever had to have a conversation with Kathy Lee I think it would be like talking to an aborigine, or a 3-year-old, or a rapper.  Not much common ground there.  I, on the one hand, am addicted to email and Facebook and twitter and blogging and internet porn (just kidding, mom… that was a joke. I don’t even know where to find internet porn).  Kathy Lee, on the other hand, is trashed off mimosas on national television every day before noon.

Come to think of it, maybe she’s doing something right.

Dear Amy Winehouse…

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

The Night Before Thanksgiving!  It’s like St. Patrick’s Day but without the stupid outfits made up of whatever green shit you have in your closet.  The biggest drinking night of the year is here, so I’ve decided to write my fan mail today to someone who would really enjoy our pre-holiday holiday, Amy Winehouse.  Here’s why I think she should be my drinking buddy tonight:

1.  Amy’s is the kind of girl who could drink with you all night  and then when you walk through the McDonald’s drive-thru at 2:30am and order a large #2 Extra Value Meal and a couple Snack Wraps she’s not gonna try to eat all your fries.  It’s one of the few bonuses of hanging out with an anorexicy person.

2.  She just got a pet monkey who would obviously hang with us all night.

3.  I couldn’t write to Charlie Sheen two days in a row.

Here’s a little song I wrote that summarizes my plans for this evening: