Posts Tagged ‘engaged’

Dear Beyonce..

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

Wow.  Talk about a lot of change going on in my life right now.  There’s a whole new fall TV lineup, Facebook just switched up the newsfeed layout, and oh yeah, I’M ENGAGED!  It’s really pretty awesome — he proposed just last weekend and I’ve already seen us getting closer.  Like yesterday for the first time in our 2 1/2 year relationship he took a shit without closing the bathroom door.  Ahhhh, romance.

I’m planning on being a total Bridezilla (because I’ll do anything for a TV credit) so if anyone over at WeTV is reading… call me!


Dear Kim Kardashian (again!)…

Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Aw hell yeah!  Yesterday it was announced that Kim Kardashian is engaged to basketball player Kris Humphries!  Much like the Space Race of the 60’s and 70’s when we put a smack-down on Russia, this is the era of the Wedding Race and we’ve got our eye on you, England.  Sure they had their Sputnik moment with Pippa’s ass, but we’ve got a bride with an rear that defies logic, human anatomy, and the basic principles of physics.  They had adorable choir boys with angelic voices… screw angels, we’ll get Kanye!  You thought Prince Harry was a fun-loving wild child?  I see your Harry and raise you one party starter/drama queen Scott Disick!  Game on, England.  Game on.

Dear Dianna Agron…

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

WHERE MY GLEEKS AT??!!!! Oh, just me huh? Just me and 26.8 million other people. Yeah, suuuure you don’t watch it. My boyfriend says the same thing and then conveniently finds  himself on the couch somewhere around the first barrage of Slurpees (then launches the requisite heterosexual guy comment, “I’ll put some Slurpee on your face, heehee heehee”).

Glee’s Dianna Agron is rumored to be engaged to her I Am Number Four co-star Alex Pettyfer.  According to their IMDB pages he’s 20 and she’s 24.  So that means they’re both in their mid-thirties and I think it’s high time they got hitched! Tick tock, tick tock, Dianna. That’s the sound of the clock in my mom’s living room when she sits me down and tells me she wants a grandkid and then there’s awkward silence while I stare at the ground and pick at my cuticles until she leaves the room.

Dear Benjamin Millepied…

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

All guys have a thing for Natalie Portman.  It’s like it’s embedded in the male DNA or something.  When they describe her, there’s always a mention of the fact that she went to Harvard… which clearly has nothing to do with why guys like her because there’s a shitload of ugly chicks writing research papers and doing advanced calculus in Cambridge each year and none of them have the adoration of the entire male population.

Well I’m sure Scotch is being guzzled and beer is being chugged today as men across the land cope with the news that Natalie Portman is off the market — engaged and impregnated by the most unlikely type of guy — a male ballerina.  It’s kind of like the improbable relationship in Knocked Up.  In the movie, a fat, schlubby, unemployed pot-head hooks up with a successful, has-her-shit-together E! news reporter.  In this real life but just as far-fetched story, a fit, world renowned ballet choreographer and principal dancer at the New York City Ballet hooks up with a world famous, critically acclaimed actress.  Ok, so it’s not exactly the same thing, but seriously… a super hot chick hooking up with a male ballerina?!  I don’t buy it.