Posts Tagged ‘engagement’

Dear Mike Tindall…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Zara Phillips is some kind of miscellaneous princess in England (12th in line to the throne… does that even count?) and she just got engaged to the strangest-looking man I’ve ever seen.  He’s a cross between Sloth and every white guy in the UFC and he’s got a nose that is clearly no longer serving it’s purpose as a nose… you can’t breath out of something that makes a sharp right turn can you?  And support sunglasses?  Forget about it!

From the pics, I gather Zara’s not picky about noses or the maintenance of her own fingernails and Mike doesn’t seem to care about purchasing an even close to appropriately sized diamond considering he’s  proposing to a G.D. princess.

Dear Kelsey Grammer…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2010

55-year-old Kelsey Grammer just announced he’s engaged to his 29-year-old girlfriend Kayte Walsh and frankly, I have mixed emotions about it.

On the one hand, he JUST got divorced from ex-wife Camille of 14 years.  As in, I don’t even actually think they’re technically divorced yet.  So that’s shitty.  On the other hand, from what I can tell based on extensive reality TV research (ie. 7 episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Camille is a horrible human being.  So maybe I can kinda see where he’s coming from.  The question therein lies: is he still a dick if she’s really an asshole or is she an asshole because he’s a dick?  It’s a real chicken or the egg kinda thing… I’m writing my thesis on it; I’ll report back to you guys once I get to the bottom of this philosophical quandary.

PS.  What’s up with “Kayte”?  This is clearly the worst approximation of the name “Katie” of all time.  Were her parents just messing around?  Was her mom high on some early 80’s tranquilizer-esque epidural?  Or maybe her Mr. and Mrs. Walsh were simply really bad spellers.  All I know is, that’s not a name, it’s a typo.

Dear Snoop Dogg…

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

Mad props to Snoop Dogg for the track he just dropped!!! (I have literally never used half of the words in that sentence in that context before.  How did I do?)

The royal family has asked Snoop to perform at Prince William’s engagement party so he wrote a song just for the occasion and released it yesterday.  I know exactly how this happened… that wily Prince Harry came in to see the Queen and was like “grandmumum, could we have a dog perform at William’s paahty?  He’s quite brilliant, my favorite dog in fact… wouldn’t you like to see a lovely dog from America perform at the paahty grandmumum??”

She’s gonna show up to this engagement party expecting to see a juggling schnauzer and get this instead:

PS. Bring your green hat!

Dear Eric Johnson…

Monday, November 15th, 2010

We all know that the moment you break up with someone you enter into an all out race between you and your ex to find love and happiness.  The first one to that finish line gets to passive-aggressively rub this happiness in their ex’s face via strategically placed pictures on Facebook or, for celebs, PerezHilton and US Weekly.  For Jessica Simpson, this race began in June of 2006 and a week ago I would’ve said her chances for victory were slim thanks to the recent engagement of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.  Today, however, I’m happy to report that she has a real fighting chance!

Turns out that Jessica’s summer fling with Eric Johnson (I know, I know, you’re like “who?!”) turned into something pretty serious.  Dating since May, Eric is that guy who went to Yale, played for the NFL and turned down an acceptance to Wharton to get his MBA in order to stay in LA with Jessica.  Because when you think of Jessica Simpson, don’t you instantly think “Ivy League”?

Now that we’re in the final stretch of this relationship Cannonball Run, I’m not sure who will get down the aisle first.  I am sure, however, that we’ll likely see both these nuptials on the VH1 or MTV’s 2011 lineup.  Who ever expected Newlyweds to have a sequel?!