Posts Tagged ‘FAVES!’

My favorite Naked Fan Mail!

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

Hello friends! I’m a little bogged down (in a good way!) with some other writing projects so I won’t be blogging daily for awhile. During this little hiatus, if you find yourself needing a Naked Fan Mail fix, check out one of these. Also, be sure to catch new ones as I write them by following me on TWITTER!

My All-Time Naked Fan Mail Favorites:

Dear Eddie Murphy…

Wednesday, December 5th, 2012

Yesterday Forbes put out their annual List of the Most Overpaid Actors in Hollywood and Eddie Murphy landed the number one spot. Based on the last three movies he was in, for every dollar he was paid, he returned $2.30 in box office cash… which, from what I’m gathering based on the Forbes’ article… is a bad thing???

However, to put this in perspective…

During summers in high school I worked at Dairy Queen making minimum wage which was like $5.15/hr. I’d typically work a four hour shift. Usually, in a given shift, I’d eat at least a medium Blizzard with quadruple the toppings (obvi), wash it down with a Mr. Misty (“green” with a splash of “purple”), grab a few handfuls (disgusting, I know) of pecans whenever I went into the back room, and bring home a pint or two of soft serve and a couple Dilly bars at the end of the night.  At the start of my shift I’d call all my friends and let them know they could swing by for free ice cream, so you have to figure I gave away a least a few cones and a couple sundays.  By my calculations, I think I cost that Dairy Queen…

Medium Blizzard + extra toppings: $3.69 + $0.50
Medium Mr. Misty: $3.19
Extra nuts: 4 x $0.75
2 pints of soft serve: 2 x $2.59
2 Dilly bars: 2 x $1.19
2 Medium cones: 2 x $2.19
2 Large sundays: 2 x $2.99

TOTAL COST: $28.30

So in a typical shift of mine, that particular Dairy Queen would actually lose $7.70. Or, to put it in Forbes’ terms, for every one dollar I was paid, I lost $2.68.

Conclusion: Eddie’s not that bad of an investment after all!

PS. I giant “sorry!!!” to the owners of the Tracydale DQ in Erie, PA!  At the time, I was young and stupid and had an incredible metabolism.

  

Dear Officer Lawrence DePrimo…

Friday, November 30th, 2012

Most of my opinion about cops comes from The Wire (don’t get me started) and two different  college interactions with overly diligent police officers that left me with a “fuck the po po!” type of attitude.  (I’m sorry, taking me in for being “drunk in public at a Jimmy Buffett concert? Everyone was drunk in public. I think that might have actually been the name of the album he was promoting. So yeah, fuck the po po.)

But NYPD Officer Lawrence DePrimo is changing all of that!  Did you guys know cops can be nice and helpful and make the world a better place (unlike the cops that locked me up for “loitering” outside a bar in Baltimore my senior year of college. You know what’s GOD DAMN TERRIFYING? Being a sluttily dressed white chick in the downtown Baltimore city jail. Ahhh, the night I almost got gang banged. Memories.)

Yesterday a pic went viral of Officer DePrimo giving shoes to a freezing cold homeless man.  He didn’t know anyone was watching let alone taking a picture, he just did it because he’s a nice, stand up guy.  I mean… come on!  Single ladies of Long Island, reward this man accordingly! Literally, fuck this po po!

Dear George Clooney…

Friday, March 16th, 2012

George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. I for one don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, and would like to do what I can to help.  I’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:

1. Establish Toughness

Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss.  George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!

2. Tatt it Up

George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars.  Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin.  Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.

3. No Pallin’ Around

Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney!  I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?”  Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what I mean…

4. Find a Girlfriend

Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside.  George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day.  Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).

5. Just Relax

Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay!  It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!

Dear Veterans…

Friday, November 11th, 2011

Hands down we’ve got the most bad ass military in the world.  I mean, it’s really not even a contest. Our Coast Guard alone could probably taken down most of Europe if they felt like it.  Proud to say I was part of that military at one point; now I’m just a crusty old Vet telling her salty sea stories to anyone who will listen.  Have I told you the one about when I was the Officer of the Deck and accidentally thought Mogadishu was in China? Ah, yes, that was the day the whole crew of USS HIGGINS started calling me “Lieutenant Dumb Ass”… (true story)

PS. No shit, it’s like in AFRICA or something. Crazy, right? It just sounds Chinese… I swear I’ve had Mogadishu with pork before.

More Navy posts: To Demi… and to bad ass Navy SEALs

Dear Flo Rida…

Thursday, June 9th, 2011

Rapper Flo Rida got busted for drinking and driving at 3:30am this morning.  Police pulled him over after noticing him swerving in his $1,700,000 million Bugatti.  You read correctly — 7 digits.  C-level rapper/one hit wonder Flo Rida has a million plus dollar car.  You guys, I think we’re all in the wrong business (unless I have any rapper readers — you guys are all set.. need any back up singers or posse members?  I’m currently looking to make my way up the rap ladder.)

Seriously, how does he have a $1.7 million car?!?!  Clearly he’s up to something shady — this whole rap career is probably just a cover up for a money laundering business, like those strip mall fortune tellers or Edible Arrangements.  I mean really, Edible Arrangements?  You expect me to believe that that many people are sending $90 arrangements of pineapple and cantaloupe?  There’s no freaking way.  IRS, why don’t you quit sending me scary letters about the $245 I owe you from 2007 and dig into this fruit basket business!

Dear Reese Witherspoon…

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

Sunday night at the MTV Movie Awards Reese Witherspoon gave a touching, heartfelt speech about how you don’t have to be a “bad girl” to make it in Hollywood.  She said:

“So, for all the girls out there, it’s totally possible to be a good girl; I’m going to try to make it cool.”

And somehow, in this poignant moment of female empowerment, with this class act A-list role model giving words of wisdom with grace and humor and sophistication to millions of rapt teenage girls watching her live across the globe… somehow she managed to work in the word “motherfucker”.  We can file this under “irony”.*

Here’s the thing, no one wants to hear Reese Witherspoon say “motherfucker”, it’s just not right.  It’s like when my mom tries to say the word “cool” and it somehow comes out as two syllables.  The guy whose job it is to bleep that kind of shit probably took a pee break as soon as he saw her coming onstage… “ahhhh, I’m good for a couple minutes, Reese would never do anything crazy”.  Well Reese, I have a feeling that bleeper guy is spending his Monday filing for unemployment.  Who’s the motherfucker now?!

On a related note, Robert Pattinson also dropped an F-bomb but I barely noticed because he has that wacky British accent that just makes everything sound like he’s talking about a polo match.

* I actually am filing this post under “Irony”. Additional tags include “Actress” and “Annoyingly Skinny” (because I’ve got a systematic method of keeping track of my posts and will not let this throw me off), but I made a whole new tag to really bring this one home!  File this under “pleased with myself”.  (I’m not really filing it under that, you can only go so far with this B.S.)

Dear Kim Kardashian (again!)…

Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Aw hell yeah!  Yesterday it was announced that Kim Kardashian is engaged to basketball player Kris Humphries!  Much like the Space Race of the 60’s and 70’s when we put a smack-down on Russia, this is the era of the Wedding Race and we’ve got our eye on you, England.  Sure they had their Sputnik moment with Pippa’s ass, but we’ve got a bride with an rear that defies logic, human anatomy, and the basic principles of physics.  They had adorable choir boys with angelic voices… screw angels, we’ll get Kanye!  You thought Prince Harry was a fun-loving wild child?  I see your Harry and raise you one party starter/drama queen Scott Disick!  Game on, England.  Game on.

RIP Macho Man Randy Savage…

Friday, May 20th, 2011

Macho Man Randy Savage died today after losing control of his car while suffering a heart attack.  The news hit me harder than one might imagine because… little known fact about Julia Lillis: I was once a huge WWF fan.  HUGE!  I saw Macho Man Randy Savage live and in person  at the Erie Civic Center in the early ‘90’s.  He was feuding with Jake the Snake Roberts at the time so obviously I was torn.  I love a macho man, but I was seduced by Jake and his boa constrictor.  Macho Man was crazy and exuberant, while Jake was dark and intense.  It’s the classic quandary that women the world over are faced with all throughout their lives: ride high with the wild child or fall hard for the man of mystery.  Was this Wrestlemania or was Vince MacMahon giving me a lesson in love?  I chose Macho Man then and I’d chose him again if I was given the choice right now.  Macho Man, you will be missed.  Ooooooh yeah!!!!!

Dear NeNe Leakes…

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

SPOILER ALERT (for people who watch extremely popular reality shows 2 days after they air): Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s NeNe Leakes quit Celebrity Apprentice. UGH!!!! Right?? It was a real bummer because she truly was a joy to watch. As I’ve said before on this blog, I think more shows could benefit from the addition of catfights (ie. The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric) and Celebrity Apprentice proves once and for all that I’m a genius and all of my theories about popular culture are pretty much spot on. The constant battle between Star Jones and NeNe Leakes was one for the ages. Years from now, people will look back at this time period and ask (after inquiring about one’s stance on Twilight and late night TV hosts — firmly Teams Edward and Coco, for the record) “Team Nene or Team Star?”… and those of us who are sane enough to see that Star Jones is a horrible, horrible, conniving human being who thinks that just because she’s a lawyer she’s better than everyone (uh, news for you Star Jones, everyone hates lawyers; it’s not impressive — haven’t you seen a movie, like, EVER?… you guys are pretty much always the bad guys and universally reviled, PLUS — and maybe this is an even more important point — I know a lot of really dumb people who went to law school… sooooo, how about you zip yer lip with the whole “I’m a lawyer” B.S.)… we’ll band together and proudly declare: TEAM NENE!!!