Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

Dear Demi Moore…

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

I used to love Demi Moore, but then again she was G.I. Jane and I used to be in the Navy (as some of my faithful readers already know).  Although I’ve never done a one armed push-up or shaved my head, we have at least one thing in common: we’ve both survived the wrath of the Navy’s least flattering uniform, Winter Working Blues.  I owe her plenty of thanks for looking shitting in that damn thing.  It was my go-to excuse for 4 years as to why I also looked shitty in it.  Can we get on that, Navy???  Eh?  If Demi looks like a fat ass in Winter Working Blues maybe we’ve got a design problem.

Anyway, so yeah, I used to think she was the best, until one day…

That’s around the time she lost me.  Really, Demi?  Your favorite comfort food is FRENCH FRIES?  No.  Effing.  Way.  I’m not a doctor or anything, but I do fancy myself to be a bit of a french fry expert and I’ll tell you what, this is not a fry eater we’re dealing with here.

So that’s when she lost me.

Well now she’s gone and won me over again.  What can I say, I’m a softy for scorned women.  So go on Demi, keep pretending to eat fries, I’ll let it slide.  But you better have your answers ready when we meet one day and I ask you if you like them thin and crispy or if you’re more of a steak fry gal (correct answer is obviously thin and crispy).

Dear Jennifer Aniston(s Hair)…

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

STOP THE PRESSES! BREAKING NEWS! OMG! Jennifer Aniston cut her hair (ps. my definition of “news” is a little different than yours, dad — haven’t gotten around to bookmarking TheWashingtonTimes.com over here.) According to my sources, no more silky long locks for Jeniston*… as of yesterday she’s sporting what can only be described as ‘Kate Gosselin circa 2009, if she skipped 3 hair appointments in a row’ (let’s see if we can get that name to stick like ‘the Rachel’ did.)

It’s short and darker in the back and long and blonde in the front… it’s like the anti-mullet (party in the front ‘cause blondes have more fun — WHATTT?? HEEEEEYY!!! OH YEAH!!), but the real long and short of it is: I think it’s a train wreck of a haircut. Apparently what I think is a “train wreck” the media thinks is “sassy” because I can’t seem to find a single story about Aniffer’s hair that doesn’t use that word, as in: Check out Jen’s sassy new look!! Blech. You’re 42. Sassy’s supposed to end at age 3 and not pick up again until around age 75. Go back to your hairdresser and demand a redo on that ‘do.

* Just because she’s eternally single doesn’t mean she can’t have a super fun couple mash-up name!!! Like mine someday: Jul-Clooney! Just rolls off the tongue, eh?

PS. In a related story, Justin Bieber also cut his hair yesterday and I happen to know that merely mentioning that fact will double my number of hits today. Thanks Beliebers!