Posts Tagged ‘george clooney’

Dear George Clooney…

Friday, March 16th, 2012

George Clooney was arrested this morning. (Because that’s what we need… fewer George Clooneys on the street. Rest easy, America!) He was arrested for protesting the plight of the people of Sudan. I for one don’t like the idea of George being locked up for such a noble cause, and would like to do what I can to help.  I’ve come up with a list of prison rules George should keep in mind while he’s in the clink:

1. Establish Toughness

Upon entering jail, the most important thing to do is let the other inmates know who’s boss.  George should head butt a prison guard, give an inmate a swift kick in the abdomen, put a cafeteria worker in a sleeper hold… just a little something to let folks know he is not to be messed with!

2. Tatt it Up

George looks way too clean cut to last behind bars.  Hopefully he caught that episode of MSNBC’s Lockup when a guy in the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility gave himself a tattoo using only pen ink, a plastic spork and a safety pin.  Gang symbols, teardrops (maybe for someone he murders as part of rule #1!), so long as he stays away from Chinese letters and anything resembling a cartoon character he should be good.

3. No Pallin’ Around

Sure, we know what’s going to happen — all the guards are going to be like “OMG you’re George Clooney!  I loved you in Sisters! Can I get a quick pic?”  Only snitches pal around with the guards and you know what happens to snitches, they get Batmanned by a Robin in the shower when they’re least expecting it, if you know what I mean…

4. Find a Girlfriend

Stacy Keibler can’t help him on the inside.  George needs a prison girlfriend, the kind of guy who will cuddle with him at night and kick ass with him during the day.  Someone should get Brad Pitt on the horn, surely he can get locked up for something awful he’s done lately (possibly The Tree of Life?).

5. Just Relax

Maybe George can use this brief reprieve from Hollywood as a much deserved vacay!  It may not be an Italian villa on Lake Como but but if he can barter away a couple packs of smokes he might be able to score an extra soft pillow and a room with a view!

Dear Jonah Hill…

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Today, on National Coming Out Day, the former-fatty-turned-awkwardly-svelte Jonah Hill broke up with his girlfriend of three years.  Here’s a factual list I completely made up for you:

#1 April Fools’ Day
#2 Her birthday
#3 National Coming Out Day

Valentine’s Day and Christmas are also pretty shitty choices.  I’d also stay away from Hanukkah, that is, if you can figure out exactly when it starts and ends (EXTREMELY confusing; has something to do with sundown and the Hebrew calendar but I can never quite nail it down.  Very mysterious, those Jews.  Christmas is simple, same date every year and only one way to spell it.  On the other hand, the number of H’s, K’s and N’s  in Chanukah (not to mention the real loosey-goosey usage of that “C”) is more up in the air than a really boring 2009 movie starring George Clooney and that chick from Twilight.


Dear Stacy Keibler…

Sunday, August 7th, 2011

Stacy Keibler is dating George Clooney.  Yeah.  THAT Stacy Kiebler.  The one who was a PRO WRESTLER.  So either she has a great personality or she’s really good in the kitchen (and by kitchen I mean bedroom).  The problem is, normal girls like me can’t compete with her bedroom prowess… she’s a trained professional when it comes to wacky out-of-the-box antics.  I bet she’s smashing break-away chairs over his head and doing back handsprings in her sexy nightie.  Now that’s foreplay!

PS… no posts this week… SOMEONE’S ONE VACAY!!!!!