Tuesday, November 8th, 2011
I’m rooting for Charlie Sheen to get his shit together, I really am. Certainly texts along these lines aren’t a good sign:
He may have ditched the cocaine and the goddesses and the tiger blood, but he’s cavorting with something even more dangerous to his career: Tara Reid. In the dictionary next to the word “trainwreck” you’ll find a picture of a railroad accident, then you’ll actually notice that you’ve spelled it wrong and it’s two words. If there’s a letter (b) in the dictionary entry there’s gonna be a picture of Patrick Monahan and his band mates getting drunk. The point of this story is that if I were writing the dictionary Tara Reid would be at the top of that list. Oh and also, I’d only use pictures in my dictionary. You know why? Cuz screw words, that’s why.
Moral of this terribly told story: ix-nay on the ara-Tay, Charlie. She is not WINNING.
Thursday, March 3rd, 2011
Yesterday Charlie Sheen stopped banging his goddesses and talking about winning long enough to send a crazy anti-Semitic text to his ex-wife Brooke Mueller. I’m not talking a “hey, Jews have curly hair and don’t pick up a tab” kind of anti-Semitic text…. this had more of a Mel Gibson tone and a John Galliano sentiment. It was bad. Later, Mr. Tigerblood claimed that he never sent the text, rather, Brooke sent it from his phone to frame him.
First of all, Charlie, phones don’t work like that. You can’t just send a text from another person’s phone without having the phone in your possession. Maybe somehow you can, because you’re a warlock and not of this terrestrial realm, but the rest of us can’t.
Secondly, Brooke Mueller has come out with an ALIBI!! (You go, girl!!). Brooke says at the time when the text was sent, she was (drum roll please)… filming a reality show with Paris Hilton. Oh. Wow. Well I think the courts will determine that this alibi is clearly verifiable because really, who would admit to that if it wasn’t true. How embarrassing, right?! Say you were taking a dump… googling yourself incessantly*… farting in an elevator… accidentally misplacing your clip-in hair extensions at a wine tasting party. Pretty much anything is less humiliating than “filming a reality show with Paris Hilton”. You’re a brave woman, Brooke!