Posts Tagged ‘Golden Globes’

Dear Ricky Gervais…

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards?  The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring.  That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).

HOW TO MAKE THE NEXT GOLDEN GLOBES (AKA THE OSCARS) A HUGE HIT
1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*

* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.

Dear Paul Giamatti…

Thursday, January 20th, 2011


Us Weekly is reporting that Paul Giamatti charged two people $5 a piece to get a picture with him after the Golden Globes.  Their source says, “At first they thought he was joking, then he says he’s serious, so the guy gives him a ten dollar bill and snaps the photos with his camera phone.”

Ummm, it’s a recession.  People aren’t just throwing Abe around willy nilly.  For $5 I can get one McChicken sandwich, two small fries, an apple pie and a small Diet Coke… or… a hot fudge sunday, two apple pies, a Fruit N’ Yogurt Parfait and a side salad… or… (if I’m feeling crazy) five McDoubles… or… (if it’s before 10:30 on a weekday or 11:00 on a weekend) two sausage McMuffins, hashbrowns, a sausage burrito and a small Premium Roast coffee… I’m just saying there are a lot of choices when it comes to spending your hard earned cash and I chose the McDonald’s Dollar Menu over a pic with “the guy who couldn’t get laid in that wine movie” any day.

Dear Christina Aguilera…

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Word has leaked that Christina Aguilera got into it with Julianne Hough at a pre-Golden Globes party last weekend. Someone (who hates fun and excitement) broke the fight up before it got out of hand, but if they go at it again here’s my prediction:

Fighting out of the red corner, this girl is a cute little dancer who put out a cute little country album and is now apparently trying to act in some cute little movies.  Weighing in at 85 pounds, fighting out of some miscellaneous southern state: Julianne HOUGH!!!!!!

Fighting out of the blue corner, this woman one of the best selling music artists of all time, a vocal powerhouse and a certified Grammy Award winning diva.  Weighing in at around a buck 75 (it’s baby* weight!), fighting out of a ghetto near Pittsburgh: Christina AGUILERA!!!!!!

Ummmm, Julianne I hope those dancing legs can run!  She weighs twice as much as you PLUS she’s Mexican (or something like that). Run, girl! She will CUT you.

* Her “baby” is like 2 years old now.

Dear Helena Bonham Carter…

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Helena Bonham Carter showed up at the Golden Globes last night dressed as a homeless version of Elaine from Seinfeld.  To top the look off, she went with two different colored shoes — because she’s just a wacky free spirit who doesn’t even care what color shoes she wears! (barf)  She opted for a red one and green one, which happen to be the two colors that color blind people cannot tell apart, so if you’re color blind you’ll just have to trust me on this one: she looked like an effing lunatic (also, not to rub it in or anything, but you’re really missing out on a lot of the “pizazz” I paid my web-guy for with this blog theme).