Since when is Hilary Duff old enough to get married and knocked up?  Friends of mine who have kids are always like “oooooh they grow up so fast” and I think I finally understand what they mean.  Honestly you  guys, Lizzie McGuire has sex?  And everyone is cool with that?  It seems like only yesterday she was dating Aaron Carter and being googled by pedophiles.  Now you’re telling me the creeps googling “Lizzie McGuire naked” are technically just regular run of the mill creeps of the non-pedophile variety?  (By the way, if the blog is down tomorrow it’s because it crashed thanks to all those sickos who are searching that term and will now and up here.)

The first story I read about Hilary Duff being pregnant was this one on RadarOnline about Hil and hubby going out for a sushi date.  Now I know pretty much NOTHING about being pregnant.   Like, I’m honestly still confused about how that baby-fetus-minihuman stays alive in a belly full of water.  And what’s the deal with bellybuttons?   However there’s one thing even I know: NO SUSHI!  This is what happens when we let teens screw.

Kim Cattrall has a new movie out called Meet Monica Velour which stars a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will probably go straight to DVD which means no one will ever see it because seriously, who watches DVDs anymore?  My mom doesn’t know how to attach a picture to an email, yet even she is streaming Netflix movies these days. FACT*: more DVDs are currently being used as coasters than as actual entertainment. You used to be able to say “keep an eye out for this one in a DVD Bargain Bin near you!” but there are no more Blockbusters so there are no more DVD Bargain Bins so what becomes of a movie destined for DVD Bargain Bin-dom? Will it just disappear? Will literally zero people ever see Meet Monica Velour as well as and every Hilary Duff movie? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Knowing that this film will clearly die at the box office, Kim channeled the public relations mastery of Samantha Jones and managed to make some news for herself and her probably-shoulda-been-on-Lifetime movie: she got trashed and lashed out at a couple of perfectly nice reporters at the premiere last night.  Next thing you know, she’s the top story on a bunch of blogs and worthless entertainment sites (see my blogroll!) and people are actually talking about this dookie of a flick she’s in.  Well played!

PS. Obviously I don’t really have herpes.  That was a joke because I’m a comedian.  It’s usually considered bad form to add a footnote like this to a joke but I just want to make it 100% clear here that I’m herpes-free!  Soooo, ok, I think I’m done.  Oh and I’ve also never had vaginal rejuvenation.  Or have I????

* By “fact” I mean “something I made up that seems like it could be factual.”