Posts Tagged ‘host’

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Susan Lucci…

Friday, September 23rd, 2011

Susan Lucci must be spinning in her grave.  Here are the first two things I saw when I turned on my computer today:

Point number one:  I’ve never seen All My Children but there was a summer between my Junior and Senior year in high school when I got really into Days of Our Lives and that’s the same thing, right?  Like exactly the same thing.  Crazy family of good-looking people; a hospital; a scandal; maybe an evil twin; I get it.  I get it, and I think it’s pretty dumb.  But how can I judge when my DVR is full of Russian Dolls and Jerseylicious?  I can’t.  Lucci fans everywhere, sorry for your loss.  With all that spare time why don’t you head over to the Style etwork and see what’s happening with my girls Olivia and Tracy — now that’s some real drama!

Secondly:  Someone over at the CW needs to get fired for thinking we want to see musical chairs — the show.  Screw you guys.  I’d rather watch reruns of All My Children while being waterboarded with acid than give in to something as idiotic as musical chairs. (UNLESS you guys are still casting a host — in that case, please contact my representation.  What a FUN IDEA FOR A SHOW!!!!)