Thursday, May 19th, 2011
Last night I decided to watch American Idol for the first time this season. I’ve watched my fair share of Idol but didn’t get into it this year because I figured J Lo would be too annoying to handle. I mean come on, what’s her deal? She had like 3 hit songs, a handful of shitty movies, and I swear on my autographed picture of David Copperfield that she’s only famous because of that time she came to the Grammys with Diddy wearing that Versace dress that showed her bellybutton. Before that dress all she was was just an anonymous In Living Color fly girl.. but post-dress she morphed into one half of the rom-com-ruining Bennifer, next step, superstardom! Anyway, so no. I haven’t been watching Idol this season.
Last night, however, I thought I should check in and see what’s going on. I turned on the TV hoping to see some charming little Carrie Underwood-esque nobody belt out some heartfelt ballad but instead I get a giant blonde Beyonce on a horse with back-up dancers doing moves that looked something your chiropractor would tell you not to do — I think they should call that it the “sexy seizure”. She just kept yelling “Who run the world? Girls! Who run the world? Girls!… over and over and over again (someone has apparently given up on writing lyrics entirely).
Listen B, we’ll never run anything with grammar like that. Can we try “Who runs the world?” or “Who is running the world?” or maybe “The world is run by whom?” Now please get off my screen so I can get back to watching that adorable southern crooner who makes the weird sexy faces.
Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
Oh man, she’s done it again — Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dumped. The perpetual singledom of Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of those concepts that will forever confuse me, like string theory, dangling participles or how Christina Aguilera’s face has ballooned into a shape that can only be described as Snooki-esque. Jennifer seems very nice and normal to me. She catches a lot of flack for her ever-expanding ass, but I think that should say to guys “hey look at me, I’m low maintenance!” She’s always wearing sweats or pajama pants and it seems to me that most of the pictures I see of her she’s taking the trash out, so along with being low maintenance we know she’s not a hoarder. I think this girl sounds like a catch! Though I’m off the market now (sorry fellas!) I was once quite the match.com whore, so I’d like to offer a few tips to J Lo 2.0 (how she let Jennifer Lopez steal that moniker from her is beyond me… as long as no one touches J Lill I guess I shouldn’t be bothered):
5 Tips from a Former Match.com Pro:
1. If you mention the term “hand jobs” in your profile it will get taken down. (Even if you mention it in a totally positive way, like, “guys are always telling me I give great hand jobs!”). Also, your password can’t be “ihatecats”.
2. It’s required that you say something in your profile along the lines of “I like to work hard, but play harder!!!” and/or “one day I’m in sneakers, the next I’m in Jimmy Choos!”. Apparently guys like girls who are both themselves, and also the opposite of that.
3. Photoshop every picture before it goes up (so obvious I debated listing it).
4. When the only pictures of a guy are taken by him in the bathroom mirror it means he literally doesn’t have any friends… which is perfect because that means more time for you!! Send him a message!
5. If a guy writes to you and tells you he “used to only date models but now he’s ready to find someone more normal” and then asks you out, don’t go out with him. He’s an asshole named Ranjeed and he will demand that you go dutch on his 3 Heinekens and your Diet Coke. F that guy.