Posts Tagged ‘jail’

Dear Stephen Baldwin…

Monday, December 10th, 2012

Stephen Baldwin got arrested for tax evasion and took what will go down in history as the most amazing mug shots ever. Sparkling ice-blue eyes with a focused gaze, lips just slightly pursed to make them look full but not pouty, eyebrows in the verge of being raised as if to say “can I buy you a drink, sugartits?”, hair so perfect it just screams “I’m a Baldwin”, button down shirt with a collar so white and crisp it’s as if he knew he’d be taken in for a white collar crime that evening and wanted to really look the part.

This is a man who knows how to dress.  This is a man who has style and class.  This is a man who’s going to be savagely butt raped once he’s in the clink.

PS. Taxes are too hard! If a put together fella like Steve here can’t figure out the math, how are the rest of us supposed to get it sorted? Get on that, government.

 

Dear Lindsay Lohan (3rd time!)…

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Lindsay Lohan went to court yesterday and plead not guilty to the Felony Grand Theft charge against her for “allegedly” stealing a necklace from a jewelry store in Venice (my hood!). This “allegedly” stuff is bullshit. Unless the word “allegedly” has been redefined as “definitely” then I don’t know why everyone insists on using it in this context.

To court she wore a white skin-tight mini-dress, so basically the only way she could’ve been more inappropriately dressed would be if she wore the necklace she allegedly (read: definitely) stole. The judge did nothing but give her a stern warning and tell her that she was “no different than anyone else”… yeah, anyone else who gets away with stealing a $2500 dollar necklace.

PS. Yes, that fan mail was written on a picture of the actual necklace she stole. And yep, those are little gold handcuffs. And no, I’m not messing with you.

PPS. I wrote this post while watching Toddlers & Tiaras so if any of it doesn’t make sense blame those little vixens in the Ohio Southern Celebrity Pageant.

Dear Lil Wayne…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

MSNBC’s “Lockup” really is a great show.  Some of those prisoners would make damn good middle-school arts and crafts teachers; ironic, since that’s one of those jobs they could never, ever get.  They fashion shivs out of pork chop bones and styrofoam cups, tattoo needles from bed springs and ball point pens… those crafty lushes at the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility even made wine in their toilets with a sock, an apple and some bread.  And here I was complaining that my Target brand boxed wine tasted like shit!

But now, to get to the real reason for this post:  I am sincerely pleased that everyone’s favorite southern rap phenom Lil Wayne is out of the big house!  I watched a documentary about him a few weeks ago and he seems like a pretty nice guy!  Granted, most folks who smoke pot all day long are pretty nice guys.  Like non-stop.  He smokes pot non-stop, the whole movie, in every scene, in every shot.  At first I thought I had popped a Judd Apatow flick in by accident, but then I was like, “wait, there are no black guys in Judd Apatow movies”… and only a black guy can pull off hair like Lil Wayne.  Trust me, there was an unfortunate 3-month period in high school when I thumbed my nose at hairbrushes and wore nothing but Phish t-shirts and corduroy pants.  Believe it or not, my white girl dreads* didn’t look nearly as cool as Lil’s.

So congrats, Lil Wayne!  I hope you’re celebrating with non-shitter liquor and a big ol’ blunt!

* or as my mom called them, “that rat’s nest on my head”