Posts Tagged ‘Jay-Z’

Dear Jay-Z…

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

Jay-Z took the subway to his show in Brooklyn and sat down to an adorable lady who has no fucking clue who he is. Really, it’s precious. Especially at the end, when she pretends to know who he is. I’m surprised she didn’t ask what “J.Z.” stands for.

Sidenote: THE SUBWAY? I hope your next song is about Purell.

PS. You just know Beyonce was like “oh hell no… I’ll meet you there.”

Dear Fifty Cent…

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

Last weekend, rapper/actor/entrepreneur/finance whiz 50 Cent made close to $9 million in a day by tweeting about a penny stock of which he owned 30 million shares which caused his 3.8 million twitter followers to invest in the company and the stock value to rise 290%.  I need to point out that I understand very little of that last sentence because I am a finance-illiterate fool who was once given three (yes three) separate copies of Suze Orman’s book “Young, Broke and Fabulous” on the same birthday by three different people (thanks for the hint, guys!).

Even I, someone who regularly hits single digits in her bank account and has never balanced a check book (people don’t really do that, right?) can see that 50 Cent is doing something right.  My successful friends from college may have their “real jobs” with their “401k’s” and “retirement plans” but now I can tell my dad to quit worrying… I have Fiddy.  In fact, I may just diversify my portfolio and start following Nas and Jay-Z!

Dear Oprah (Winfrey)…

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

Apparently I’m not the only one who wants to binge on brownies after some downward-faced-dogging and will celebrate my completion of “A Course In Weight Loss” with 820 calories and half my daily fat intake’s worth of homemade mac and cheese (because obviously I’ll eat 2 servings).  This lady just gets me!

I’ll be honest, I never watch Oprah.  I’m sure she’s really nice and all that, I just think of The Oprah Show as the gateway drug to daytime worthlessness.  You make Oprah appointment television and it’s a slippery slope before you’re up to speed on Luke and Laura (are they still around?).  Apparently on Friday she had her annual “favorite things” episode where she gives everyone in the audience all kinds of shit and they, in turn, lose their shit.  Like this guy:

While I admittedly don’t watch Oprah, I’m aware of “The Oprah Effect” and was thinking that my comedy career could get a little boost from something like that.  I looked into getting booked on The Oprah Show and found this: “Susan Harrow’s Ultimate Guide to Getting Booked on Oprah: Super Training Kit”.

Turns out that for the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get booked on The Oprah Show!  Oh wait, no, that’s not it.  For the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get some books about how to get booked on The Oprah Show.  Well that sounds like a deal!  Wait a second, there I go again, let’s think about this.  No, no it doesn’t.  That actually sounds like a total scam.

I’ll tell ya what, Susan Harrow, as soon as I see your Ultimate Guide on Oprah’s Book Club, I’m in!  Until then, my dreams of being on Oprah will have to rely on good ol’ fashioned fan mail to one Ms. Winfrey (see above)… cross your fingers!

ps.  Yes, I made stationary from a picture of mac and cheese.