Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
STOP THE PRESSES! BREAKING NEWS! OMG! Jennifer Aniston cut her hair (ps. my definition of “news” is a little different than yours, dad — haven’t gotten around to bookmarking TheWashingtonTimes.com over here.) According to my sources, no more silky long locks for Jeniston*… as of yesterday she’s sporting what can only be described as ‘Kate Gosselin circa 2009, if she skipped 3 hair appointments in a row’ (let’s see if we can get that name to stick like ‘the Rachel’ did.)
It’s short and darker in the back and long and blonde in the front… it’s like the anti-mullet (party in the front ‘cause blondes have more fun — WHATTT?? HEEEEEYY!!! OH YEAH!!), but the real long and short of it is: I think it’s a train wreck of a haircut. Apparently what I think is a “train wreck” the media thinks is “sassy” because I can’t seem to find a single story about Aniffer’s hair that doesn’t use that word, as in: Check out Jen’s sassy new look!! Blech. You’re 42. Sassy’s supposed to end at age 3 and not pick up again until around age 75. Go back to your hairdresser and demand a redo on that ‘do.
* Just because she’s eternally single doesn’t mean she can’t have a super fun couple mash-up name!!! Like mine someday: Jul-Clooney! Just rolls off the tongue, eh?
PS. In a related story, Justin Bieber also cut his hair yesterday and I happen to know that merely mentioning that fact will double my number of hits today. Thanks Beliebers!
Thursday, January 6th, 2011
Snooki was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show yesterday. I would’ve watched but I can never get past all of Ellen’s dancing at the top of the show. I get so embarrassed for her, the same way I feel when people like Shania Twain say things like “rock on”. Or when Jennifer Aniston does pretty much anything. Stop it, ladies, you’re humiliating yourselves.
So Snooki was on the show and told Ellen that, thanks to her rockstar lifestyle, she blacks out and wakes up in a trash can “like once a month”. The weird thing is, there’s a guy in the alley behind my building who sleeps in the trash can like all the time. You think it’s possible he’s just a hard partying reality star/television personality/novelist/slipper designer? Maybe I should stop throwing my recyclables at him and see if he could recommend me to his agent.
Thursday, December 9th, 2010
Earlier this week Kim Kardashian dumped Gabriel Aubry who you may remember from when he was “the guy Halle Berry dumped” earlier this year. Soooooooo that’s the guy… the guy in the picture up there… HIM… he’s the one who can’t manage to keep a lady. In a situation like this I can’t help but think, “gee, I hope he has really bad breath.” One case of severe halitosis and it becomes totally understandable why that Adonis can’t get a gal to stick around. If, however, the breath is minty fresh there’s only one reasonable explanation: he’s just got a shitty personality. And you know what they always say, “you can’t fix a shitty personality with a pack of Doublemint Gum.”
PS. This theory applies to Jennifer Aniston as well. She should really go to the dentist and get herself checked out.