Posts Tagged ‘Jersey Shore’

Dear Kat Von D…

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Kat Von D was on twitter today calling her ex Jesse James a cheater.  And the entire world replied with a collective “duh”.

Listen, when you date a guy who cheats on Sandra Bullock, you’ve got to realize what you’re getting yourself into.  It’s like dating Snooki and expecting her to start wearing underwear and not show her vagina to hundreds of club-going Italians (ahem, Jionni, are you listening?).  When the WHOLE COUNTRY is calling someone a cheater, you kinda gotta listen.  Just like in college when the whole football team called my boyfriend “Gay Timmy”, maybe I shoulda taken note.

Dear Kirstie Alley…

Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

Kirstie Alley is currently competing on Dancing With the Stars and in totally shocking news — I’m not watching.  I pretty much exclusively watch shitty reality television, so the fact that I’ve saved myself these three (really?) hours a week is highly uncharacteristic.  Maybe I’m finally growing up?  Maybe my tastes are at last becoming a little more sophisticated?  I’ll noodle over those questions after I get done powering through the two saved episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County and one Jersey Shore Reunion that I’ve got on my DVR.

So Kirstie rumba’d her ass all the way down to the floor… big whoop!  That’s what happens when you put a Jose Conseco-sized woman in 4” heels and tell her to spin around in circles.  My thoughts go out to any small bugs or mites that may have been in her way when she came tumbling down, as well as the hard working men and women who will undoubtedly be sanding and shellacking that floor for the next 24 hours to get the giant dent out of it.

Dear Snooki (again!)…

Monday, April 4th, 2011

Last night Snooki brought her fun-loving meatball antics to WWE’s WrestleMania 27 as part of the Brunette Mafia and proved that she’s more than just a horny, gorilla juicehead-chasing guidette with a drinking problem… she’s an athlete.  Who knew?!  (Also something I didn’t know — the WWE still exists.)

I’m no physics whiz, but the feats Snookems managed to perform seem to defy gravity. Isn’t there something in one of Newton’s Laws of Motion that indicates a beer keg of a body shouldn’t be able to flip and soar effortlessly through the air? Back flips, round offs, tumbling across the mat like there’s a guido meathead on the other side who she’s trying to get to… looks to me like Snookers has got some serious skills! Based on my very limited knowledge of what it takes to be an Olympic gymnast (I saw a Lifetime movie about it once), I think Snickers could do it! She’s got the moves, the confidence and she could teach those girls a thing or two about tanning.

PS. Gatorade, you might want to get started on a Ron Ron Juice flavor.