Posts Tagged ‘Jesse James’

Dear Kat Von D…

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Kat Von D was on twitter today calling her ex Jesse James a cheater.  And the entire world replied with a collective “duh”.

Listen, when you date a guy who cheats on Sandra Bullock, you’ve got to realize what you’re getting yourself into.  It’s like dating Snooki and expecting her to start wearing underwear and not show her vagina to hundreds of club-going Italians (ahem, Jionni, are you listening?).  When the WHOLE COUNTRY is calling someone a cheater, you kinda gotta listen.  Just like in college when the whole football team called my boyfriend “Gay Timmy”, maybe I shoulda taken note.

Dear Jesse James…

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Just last weekend I was laying by the pool, paging through some gossip mags and catching up on my “reasons to hate Jesse James”.  Let’s think, he cheated on Sandra Bullock (possibly our most prized national treasure)… now he’s on a book tour where he’s saying she was never that good in bed, she was kind of average looking, he bets she cheated on him too and she was selfish.  Oh yeah, and there’s also that whole thing about him being a Nazi.

Not to be outdone, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he cheated on Maria Shriver (A Kennedy! He cheated on a Kennedy! That’s like trying to pull a hoax on a gypsy… or give an Asian lady a manicure.)  Maria Kennedy Shriver was different though, she’s a class act no-nonsense kinda lady and Arnold screwed around on her with a member of their house staff (Sidenote: I can’t wait until I’m rich enough to have house staff. Note to self: they will all be ugly and unable to procreate.)  This house-staff-lady-whatever-that-means was then impregnated by the Sperminator and then gave birth to his bastard child and then (there’s more!) raised him for 10 years while still working for the shithead and his lovely Kennedy wife all the while telling her husband the child was his! Ok, I think that’s it.

On the plus side, there’s a 10-year-old kid out there who is finally able to make sense of why half his face is forehead and he’s got a body that looks like a refrigerator.