Thursday, June 23rd, 2011
Back in February, eccentric British fashion designer John Galliano was arrested in France for making come crazy anti-Semitic comments in a bar. He went to court yesterday and tried to blame it on being drunk. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve used total wastedness as an excuse for a lot of things: making out with a homeless dude (“but guys, he’s soooooo hot!”), sending several regrettable drunk texts that included the line “you’re my soulmate”, and even mistaking the crisper drawer in my fridge for a toilet (true story. I wiped with broccoli)… but never have I referenced Hitler in a positive light or ranted about the supremacy of the Aryan race. You know why? Because although I have questionable decision-making skills and a low alcohol tolerance, I’m not a racist asshole. John, next time you’re about to open your mouth, try sucking face with a dirty shoeless man whose house is a shopping cart — much better plan.
Thursday, March 3rd, 2011
Yesterday Charlie Sheen stopped banging his goddesses and talking about winning long enough to send a crazy anti-Semitic text to his ex-wife Brooke Mueller. I’m not talking a “hey, Jews have curly hair and don’t pick up a tab” kind of anti-Semitic text…. this had more of a Mel Gibson tone and a John Galliano sentiment. It was bad. Later, Mr. Tigerblood claimed that he never sent the text, rather, Brooke sent it from his phone to frame him.
First of all, Charlie, phones don’t work like that. You can’t just send a text from another person’s phone without having the phone in your possession. Maybe somehow you can, because you’re a warlock and not of this terrestrial realm, but the rest of us can’t.
Secondly, Brooke Mueller has come out with an ALIBI!! (You go, girl!!). Brooke says at the time when the text was sent, she was (drum roll please)… filming a reality show with Paris Hilton. Oh. Wow. Well I think the courts will determine that this alibi is clearly verifiable because really, who would admit to that if it wasn’t true. How embarrassing, right?! Say you were taking a dump… googling yourself incessantly*… farting in an elevator… accidentally misplacing your clip-in hair extensions at a wine tasting party. Pretty much anything is less humiliating than “filming a reality show with Paris Hilton”. You’re a brave woman, Brooke!