Posts Tagged ‘Justin Bieber’

Dear DMX…

Tuesday, December 4th, 2012

Yesterday, rapper/actor/Christmas enthusiast DMX showed up to a radio interview and was just so full of the holiday spirit he couldn’t contain himself. See for yourself:

I looooove my Christmas music, however, not all holiday tunes are created equal. Here’s what I look for…

JULIA’S CRITERIA FOR A KILLER CHRISTMAS SONG

THE SINGER
It’s always best when sung by a boy band or pop singer — I’ll take NKOTB over Nat King Cole* any day.  And if any member of the cast of Glee is getting in on the action, consider it Thumbs Upped on Pandora.

THE SONG
Justin Bieber manages to work the word “shorty” into his holiday hit, and I can’t get enough of it!  Most Christmas songs start to go to shit as soon as they get too religious.  Stick with Santa and reindeer and stay away from terms like “Messiah” and any mention of the whole manger set up.

THE SPIRIT
Here’s where DMX really brings it. I never thought I’d say it, but a little “COME ON!” and a handful of “WHAT?!”s really add to the holiday cheer!

* sorry Ab!

 

Dear Tim Tebow…

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Holy crap.  Literally.  I’m beyond confused as to why everyone is so opinionated on/fascinated by/won’t shut the hell up about Tim Tebow.  I think he’s gotten more press for talking about Jesus Christ than the actual Jesus Christ would get if he was here today.  If Jesus came back for a Second Coming (or whatever*) He’d probably trend on Twitter for a few days and then something like “#iluvBieber” would knock Him off the charts.

* Second Coming, etc. etc… not sure how all that stuff is supposed to go, I kind of forget… 12 years of Catholic school and you’d think I’d be all over this stuff.  I would like to point out that those nuns at least instilled in me that you have to capitalize “Him.”  Nailed it! Woah. Too soon.

PS.  Two sports posts in a row. That oughta do it for awhile.

Dear Justin Bieber…

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

Justin Bieber rented out the Staples Center and took girlfriend Selena Gomez there to watch Titanic together over the weekend (just me or did they do this in an episode of The Bachelor?? If not, I’m sure Chris Harrison is taking notes).

I disagree with so much of what Justin Bieber does: his silly haircut… his ridiculous line of nail polish… his creepy relationship with the least relevant singer ever, Usher.  Add this little stunt to the list.

I’m not being mean, I’m being empathetic.  Think of all the teenage guys out there who have to save up all their paper route money just to take their lady-friend out for a night of Olive Garden and 2nd base*.  Well fellas, the bar has been raised.

* Am I too easy?  What can I say, I’m a sucker for all-you-can-eat breadsticks.

Dear Jennifer Aniston(s Hair)…

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011

STOP THE PRESSES! BREAKING NEWS! OMG! Jennifer Aniston cut her hair (ps. my definition of “news” is a little different than yours, dad — haven’t gotten around to bookmarking TheWashingtonTimes.com over here.) According to my sources, no more silky long locks for Jeniston*… as of yesterday she’s sporting what can only be described as ‘Kate Gosselin circa 2009, if she skipped 3 hair appointments in a row’ (let’s see if we can get that name to stick like ‘the Rachel’ did.)

It’s short and darker in the back and long and blonde in the front… it’s like the anti-mullet (party in the front ‘cause blondes have more fun — WHATTT?? HEEEEEYY!!! OH YEAH!!), but the real long and short of it is: I think it’s a train wreck of a haircut. Apparently what I think is a “train wreck” the media thinks is “sassy” because I can’t seem to find a single story about Aniffer’s hair that doesn’t use that word, as in: Check out Jen’s sassy new look!! Blech. You’re 42. Sassy’s supposed to end at age 3 and not pick up again until around age 75. Go back to your hairdresser and demand a redo on that ‘do.

* Just because she’s eternally single doesn’t mean she can’t have a super fun couple mash-up name!!! Like mine someday: Jul-Clooney! Just rolls off the tongue, eh?

PS. In a related story, Justin Bieber also cut his hair yesterday and I happen to know that merely mentioning that fact will double my number of hits today. Thanks Beliebers!

Dear Justin Bieber…

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Justin Bieber was on David Letterman on Monday to promote his upcoming film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (wasn’t that a Bond movie?) and he briefly tried to explain to Dave what tweeting is.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, a black person the breaststroke, or anyone over 50 what a DM is.  I tried to explain Twitter to my mom last time I was home and it was a total role reversal of what I’m sure it was like teaching me anything when I was a kid…

ME: So one cool thing is that people can mention you in their tweets.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that way you can see that they mentioned you.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because you can click on this “@Mentions” tab right here and every tweet that has your name in it shows up.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that’s how Twitter works.
MOM: Why?
ME: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

By the time we got to the “but why are there all these pound signs everywhere?” part of the conversation, I gave up. Good news is, however, she’s finally got Facebook mastered!  No more personal emails posted on my wall.  Go mom!

ps. Happy Black History Month!

Dear Selena Gomez…

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

18-year-old Disney actress (who I can only distinguish from Demi Lovato because Demi went to rehab and this chick hasn’t… yet) Selena Gomez is getting death threats because of her relationship with 16-year-old pop singing sensation Justin Bieber.  A few recent Twitter posts  from some less-than-thrilled “Beliebers” say things like:

“I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!”
and
“If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!”

Selena’s camp is amping up her security detail and taking extra precautions in light of the recent threats.

Oh come on… what’s the big whoop?  She’ll be fine.  She’s got JUSTIN BIEBER to protect her.