Two HUGE things happened in the world of England’s monarchy over the weekend:
1. Kate Middleton got bangs.
2. Kate Middleton announced she’s pregnant.
I’m way more excited about the bangs. Bangs are adorable and fun while babies just lead to cellulite and cankles. But the girl is smart, she’s drawing our attention up to her newly covered forehead and away from the impending saddlebags, or as they call them in England, impending “bloody saddlebags”.
THE BRITISH ARE COMING!! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!! If you haven’t heard the news: Will and Kate are coming to L.A. today!!! Will it be like when Obama came and all traffic was at a standstill for 3 days?! Which happened to fall on an afternoon when I had to drive the 9 and a half miles from Santa Monica to West Hollywood and it took four hours?! And take 2 pee breaks?! And a stop for provisions?!
Oh we can only hope!
Listen, I’ve already made it known on here that I think most of what goes on in England is a crock of shit (meat pie? really? how do you F up PIE?!?!), but I’ll give ‘em this: that was a damn good wedding. Here’s wishing Will and Kate a fun trip to my fair city! And here’s hoping they leave before becoming a douchebag and insecure with body issues, respectively.
I have to admit, I loved every second of that damn wedding. The lacy gown (who says deep-V’s are just for hipsters?!), the wacky-ass hats (how Gaga!), the men in uniform (hellooooo Harry!), the inexplicable trees in the church (wtf?), the little boys singing (keep the pedophiles away!), … I cried like 4 different times. I remember my mom telling me about watching Princess Di’s wedding; she woke up early along with the rest of the world to see the People’s Princess take her vows. Well someday I’ll tell be able to tell my kids that I woke up around 10am the day after Will and Kate’s wedding and watched it hungover on DVR as gay men gave me the play-by-play. My coverage of choice for the big occasion was TLC. I figured any network that can pull off three different versions of Say Yes To The Dress (original, Atlanta, and Big Bliss — for fat chicks!) could do a bang up job covering the wedding of the century and they didn’t let me down. Clinton Kelly offered live commentary in a studio in London with lip readers, body language specialists, wedding experts, gown designers, Ivana Trump (because she’s rich?), Rupert Everett (because he’s been in movies about weddings?) plus color commentators at Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace and (for some reason) Times Square. What a celebration!! Congrats Will and Kate! Although the entire convention of a monarchy seems like a tasteless waste of money and an undemocratic show of unearned power and privilege, I’m sure you guys will make a lovely King and Queen someday!!
So a little birdie told me there’s a big wedding tomorrow. That “little birdie” was EVERY SINGLE NEWS AND MEDIA OUTLET ON THE PLANET. Like, we get it guys, it’s a wedding, I’ve been in like 7 of them, no big whoop. I was awoken this morning by NPR on my radio alarm giving me this pressing news: the merging of the family crests of Will and Kate is difficult because hers has acorns on it and squirrels aren’t very royal. Well I’d like to throw my two cents in and say that the UNICORN on the Windsor Family Coat of Arms doesn’t exactly scream “hey look at me, I’m the KING”. I mean, come on. A unicorn? And you Brits wonder why we don’t take your whole monarchy thing seriously over here. Here in the US of A we reserve unicorns for things like ironic T-shirts, little girls’ birthday parties and this:
And damnit, that’s why we’re the best country in the world! U S A! U S A! Now excuse me while I go set my DVR to record all 6 hours of television coverage of the Royal Wedding (What? I can’t miss the ROYAL WEDDING! It’s going to be the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!! Less than 12 hours and counting!!!! WILLS & KATE 4-EVAH!!!!!).
Mad props to Snoop Dogg for the track he just dropped!!! (I have literally never used half of the words in that sentence in that context before. How did I do?)
The royal family has asked Snoop to perform at Prince William’s engagement party so he wrote a song just for the occasion and released it yesterday. I know exactly how this happened… that wily Prince Harry came in to see the Queen and was like “grandmumum, could we have a dog perform at William’s paahty? He’s quite brilliant, my favorite dog in fact… wouldn’t you like to see a lovely dog from America perform at the paahty grandmumum??”
She’s gonna show up to this engagement party expecting to see a juggling schnauzer and get this instead: