I’m not a sports girl. I’m not that “guy’s girl” who loves to talk about sports (and, in my experience, talk about how she loves to talk about sports and only have guys as friends. FYI, “guy’s girls” out there, all those “pals” of yours are just trying to get in your pants and don’t give a shit what you think about the BCS play-off system. And for the record, I don’t even know what the BCS play-off system is, I had to google “debates in sports” just to write something there.) I have female friends and we like to talk about things like “Camille’s BFF on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has a lesbian crush on her,” “how many calories are in gin?” and “do you think I can pull off hammer pants?” So I barely even recognized myself when I uttered these words to my fiance yesterday: “hey, did you hear Lamar Odom was traded to the Mavericks?”
That’s right, get your sports gossip here folks. Lamar is going to Dallas, which means Khloe is going with him, which then implies that Khloe & Lamar Take Texas is already on the 2013 schedule on E!… and I. Can’t. Wait.
Khloe is the koolest member of the klan. She’s funny and she doesn’t wake up wearing fake eyelashes and a full face of make-up (ah hem, Kim). And I’m willing to bet that if she and I ever hung out, she’d indulge me in conversations about Camille, gin and hammer pants.
Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in). Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS. Let me make my case…
Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).
Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.
Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar. I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging? Get a room! (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?! WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!! A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES! I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE. DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD? ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)
On the most recent episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Kim Kardashian freaks out when she sees naked pics of herself in an advance copy of W Magazine. I know what you’re thinking… Did some stealthy paparazzi lurk outside her bathroom window and get shower shots? Are these stills from a secret not-yet-leaked sequel to her first sex tape? Did W Magazine train a domesticated mouse to enter her bedroom with a little mouse camera attached to his little mouse head and take pictures of her getting into her PJ’s? Nope, way crazier than any of that. She posed for them. Got totally naked… stood in front of a photographer… and posed for them. You really should watch the video at this link, but in case your boss is right behind you and you can’t think of a valid reason why the Kardashian Klan would be on your screen instead of the TPS reports* you’re supposed to be working on, here’s what Kim had to say about the pics:
“Oh my God, I’m more naked than I was in Playboy… you can see the nipples!… like, I’m so upset… they weren’t gonna show my asscrack or my nipple!”
Then her rep calls and says “I’m looking at the actual real hardcopy. That is NIPPLE!”
They’re really worked up about this nipple business. So I offer this video to Kim, as a way to ease her mind…
So, yeah, that’s not a joke. The Kardashian sisters are launching a prepaid credit card today… here’s what they had to say about it:
“We are excited to partner with Mobile Resource Card to create our very own financial product.”
Financial product? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Just when you thought the economic crisis in this country couldn’t get any worse, the Kardashian gals have to join the party with some wackaloon credit cards for tweens that will all probably be maxed out at Claire’s Boutique by the end of the week. Great plan!