I’m not a sports girl. I’m not that “guy’s girl” who loves to talk about sports (and, in my experience, talk about how she loves to talk about sports and only have guys as friends. FYI, “guy’s girls” out there, all those “pals” of yours are just trying to get in your pants and don’t give a shit what you think about the BCS play-off system. And for the record, I don’t even know what the BCS play-off system is, I had to google “debates in sports” just to write something there.) I have female friends and we like to talk about things like “Camille’s BFF on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has a lesbian crush on her,” “how many calories are in gin?” and “do you think I can pull off hammer pants?” So I barely even recognized myself when I uttered these words to my fiance yesterday: “hey, did you hear Lamar Odom was traded to the Mavericks?”
That’s right, get your sports gossip here folks. Lamar is going to Dallas, which means Khloe is going with him, which then implies that Khloe & Lamar Take Texas is already on the 2013 schedule on E!… and I. Can’t. Wait.
Khloe is the koolest member of the klan. She’s funny and she doesn’t wake up wearing fake eyelashes and a full face of make-up (ah hem, Kim). And I’m willing to bet that if she and I ever hung out, she’d indulge me in conversations about Camille, gin and hammer pants.
It took me a few days to muster up the strength to write to Kim again. It’s just like uggggghhhh, right? I mean ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
I want this blog to be topical but I can hardly go on writing about the Kardashian Klan every other week.* Therefore, I’m taking this moment to officially announce my break-up with them as a people. Kendall gets knocked up by Bieber? You’re not gonna read about it here. Bruce gets a sex change? He/she better not expect a Naked Fan Mail in the mailbox. I’m done.
I’m the 99% who’s fed up with Kardashians and I’m taking a stand, damnit! Who’s with me?!!?!?!
* Roughly every other week…
To Ray J for starting this whole damn thing — 8/22/11
To Kim when she got engaged to dopeyface — 5/26/11
To Khloe when she was naked on billboards all over LA — 3/28/11
To Kim when her nipple popped up in a magazine — 2/1/11
To Bruce for dealing with them all — 11/9/10
Kim Kardashian was married over the weekend and, while most young couples get themselves in debt with $34 mixed medium wedding invitations and personalized scented soy candle party favors, Kim will be earning a cool $15 million on her big day. Happy Monday!
The problem is, no matter how much money she makes or how successful she becomes, her wikipedia entry will forever start with “made famous by getting pissed on by Brandy’s brother in a skeevy sex tape” (I’m paraphrasing here… but honestly not by much); a fact that her future children… her children’s children, will all be painfully aware of: “yeah, grandmama got peed on like a dirty little whore by some rapper” (is Ray J a rapper and, more importantly, am I racist for assuming that he is?). So, friends, it’s a matter of character, dignity, self-worth… a time to look deep into your soul, check in with your moral compass and ask yourself: “would I get pissed on for millions and millions of dollars?”. And the answer (of course) is a resounding HELL YEAH!!! Bring it!!!
Aw hell yeah! Yesterday it was announced that Kim Kardashian is engaged to basketball player Kris Humphries! Much like the Space Race of the 60’s and 70’s when we put a smack-down on Russia, this is the era of the Wedding Race and we’ve got our eye on you, England. Sure they had their Sputnik moment with Pippa’s ass, but we’ve got a bride with an rear that defies logic, human anatomy, and the basic principles of physics. They had adorable choir boys with angelic voices… screw angels, we’ll get Kanye! You thought Prince Harry was a fun-loving wild child? I see your Harry and raise you one party starter/drama queen Scott Disick! Game on, England. Game on.
Katie Couric is getting fired from CBS Evening News with Katie Couric (awkward since that’s the name and everything!) because nobody watched her (that’s not exactly how they’re spinning it, but that’s pretty much what went down.) I don’t think the problem was Katie… the problem is that by the time the evening news is on, all the news is old news. When I want the news I do what every tech-savvy person does and check my twitter timeline. Granted, I have to sort through Kim Kardashian’s play-by-play of her trip to the gym and ignore anything Kirstie Alley writes, but eventually I get some news out of someone. Like this morning I saw one of my friends tweet something about Obama releasing his birth certificate. How’s anyone over at CBS Evening News with Katie Couric supposed to compete with that 6 hours from now? Between now and 6:30pm, everybody’s going to hear that Obama released his birth certificate… CBS needs to give that news a little flair… kick it up a notch to get people tuning in. Why not do a crafts segment on how to make an origami swan out of your own birth certificate? Libyan rebels asking U.S. military leaders for armor and weapons? How about a DIY segment on how to make military grade explosives out of items laying around your garage?! OR, go a whole different route and add a catfight to the newscast. Have you guys seen the ratings for Real Housewives of New York? Through the roof! One of the most noticeable differences to me between CBS Evening News with Katie Couric and RHWoNY is the lack of catfights. Get Meredith Viera on the set one night… launch a glass of red one at her face… ratings gold! (Just ask Bravo)
Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in). Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS. Let me make my case…
Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).
Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.
Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar. I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging? Get a room! (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?! WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!! A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES! I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE. DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD? ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)
On the most recent episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, Kim Kardashian freaks out when she sees naked pics of herself in an advance copy of W Magazine. I know what you’re thinking… Did some stealthy paparazzi lurk outside her bathroom window and get shower shots? Are these stills from a secret not-yet-leaked sequel to her first sex tape? Did W Magazine train a domesticated mouse to enter her bedroom with a little mouse camera attached to his little mouse head and take pictures of her getting into her PJ’s? Nope, way crazier than any of that. She posed for them. Got totally naked… stood in front of a photographer… and posed for them. You really should watch the video at this link, but in case your boss is right behind you and you can’t think of a valid reason why the Kardashian Klan would be on your screen instead of the TPS reports* you’re supposed to be working on, here’s what Kim had to say about the pics:
“Oh my God, I’m more naked than I was in Playboy… you can see the nipples!… like, I’m so upset… they weren’t gonna show my asscrack or my nipple!”
Then her rep calls and says “I’m looking at the actual real hardcopy. That is NIPPLE!”
They’re really worked up about this nipple business. So I offer this video to Kim, as a way to ease her mind…
Earlier this week Kim Kardashian dumped Gabriel Aubry who you may remember from when he was “the guy Halle Berry dumped” earlier this year. Soooooooo that’s the guy… the guy in the picture up there… HIM… he’s the one who can’t manage to keep a lady. In a situation like this I can’t help but think, “gee, I hope he has really bad breath.” One case of severe halitosis and it becomes totally understandable why that Adonis can’t get a gal to stick around. If, however, the breath is minty fresh there’s only one reasonable explanation: he’s just got a shitty personality. And you know what they always say, “you can’t fix a shitty personality with a pack of Doublemint Gum.”
PS. This theory applies to Jennifer Aniston as well. She should really go to the dentist and get herself checked out.
So, yeah, that’s not a joke. The Kardashian sisters are launching a prepaid credit card today… here’s what they had to say about it:
“We are excited to partner with Mobile Resource Card to create our very own financial product.”
Financial product? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Just when you thought the economic crisis in this country couldn’t get any worse, the Kardashian gals have to join the party with some wackaloon credit cards for tweens that will all probably be maxed out at Claire’s Boutique by the end of the week. Great plan!