Posts Tagged ‘Lindsay Lohan’

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Monday, December 17th, 2012

Super broke former actress Lindsay Lohan is offering to show up at weddings, holiday parties, birthday bashes, quinceaneras for a price.  And that price is whatever it costs to buy twice as much alcohol as you were planning on buying because she’s def gonna drain your open bar (and probably hook up with your one “weird” cousin).

I don’t know what she actually does at these parties, but if Herbie Fully Loaded taught us anything, it’s that it’s probably going to be really really terrible.

 

For more Naked Fan Mail to Linds:
Naked Fan Mail
when she signed a deal with Playboy! 10/25/11
Naked Fan Mail
to her brother when he got a real job! 3/2/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she got busted shoplifting! 2/10/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she got out of rehab! 1/3/11
Naked Fan Mail
when she busted out of rehab for a shopping trip! 11/8/10

 

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Well look who’s the little go-getter: Lindsay Lohan just signed a deal to pose for Playboy for a cool $1 million.

I’m confused — seriously.  So Playboy thinks that people will actually pay money to see her naked?  Huh.  Interesting hypothesis they’ve got over there.  If I’m ever faced with an image of a naked Lindsay Lohan, I think I’ll shell out cash NOT to see it.  If her baby-maker has aged as horribly as her face has it’s got to be TERRIFYING looking — that’s one beat up fire-crotch that will haunt you forever.

 

Dear Michael Lohan Jr…

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

In a totally un-Lohan move, Lindsay Lohan’s younger brother Michael actually has a good idea!  Most Lohan ideas sound something like this: “why don’t you distract the employee while I steal this necklace right in front of a surveillance camera.”  Michael Lohan Jr.’s idea is a whole lot better than that:  he’s changing his name to Michael Cameron!

My question is this, why go with Michael Cameron when you can pick something that might help your fledgling acting career… like, oh I don’t know, say…. Michael Hanks!  Michael Spielberg!  Or hell, go all the way, fully commit to this name change and become a part of Hollywood royalty as: Will Smith Jr.!

Dear Lindsay Lohan (3rd time!)…

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Lindsay Lohan went to court yesterday and plead not guilty to the Felony Grand Theft charge against her for “allegedly” stealing a necklace from a jewelry store in Venice (my hood!). This “allegedly” stuff is bullshit. Unless the word “allegedly” has been redefined as “definitely” then I don’t know why everyone insists on using it in this context.

To court she wore a white skin-tight mini-dress, so basically the only way she could’ve been more inappropriately dressed would be if she wore the necklace she allegedly (read: definitely) stole. The judge did nothing but give her a stern warning and tell her that she was “no different than anyone else”… yeah, anyone else who gets away with stealing a $2500 dollar necklace.

PS. Yes, that fan mail was written on a picture of the actual necklace she stole. And yep, those are little gold handcuffs. And no, I’m not messing with you.

PPS. I wrote this post while watching Toddlers & Tiaras so if any of it doesn’t make sense blame those little vixens in the Ohio Southern Celebrity Pageant.

Dear Lindsay Lohan…

Monday, November 8th, 2010

What can I say, she won me over in Mean Girls.  She kind of lost me around the time she went on the coke-fueled car chase, but hell, I wasn’t in the car; who am I to hold a grudge?  Now’s she’s got 2 months left in rehab but was just spotted shopping it up at Forever 21 at a mall nearby… escaping the fortress that is Betty Ford all in the name of flimsy leggings and cheap jewelry?  She hasn’t pulled a caper like that since The Parent Trap hijinx with her British twin.  In my completely unqualified opinion it appears as if she’s fast on the road to recovery!