Posts Tagged ‘Lockup’

Dear Lo Bosworth’s Twitter ghost writer…

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

Casey Anthony was found not guilty!  Here’s what I’m assuming the jury was made up of: picture the dumbest kid you ever went to school with, then imagine him as an adult, then divide his IQ in half because he lives in Florida and subtract a few more because he wasn’t smart enough to get out of jury duty, then figure you’ve got 12 of that guy listening to fancy lawyers and their big words and their loopholes and their LSAT logic.  Yeah, sounds like our legal system is right on track!  My concern is this, if a maniac like Casey Anthony can be found innocent, then a person who is just as innocent as she is guilty, could be found guilty (damn, I would’ve aced the LSATs).  I’ve always had one of those faces that makes people say “you look just like someone I know”… that’s only a few steps away from an eye witness saying “you look just like the person I saw commit a homicide” and another hop skip and a jump away from my most significant TV credit being MSNBC’s Lockup: Extended Stay – Valley State Women’s Prison where I’m getting trashed on liquor I made in a toilet and giving myself a gang tattoo with a Bic and a bedspring.

PS. I wrote the fan mail to Lo Bosworth’s (from MTV’s The Hills, dad) twitter ghost writer because clearly she didn’t write this:

I mean, come on now.

Dear Lil Wayne…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

MSNBC’s “Lockup” really is a great show.  Some of those prisoners would make damn good middle-school arts and crafts teachers; ironic, since that’s one of those jobs they could never, ever get.  They fashion shivs out of pork chop bones and styrofoam cups, tattoo needles from bed springs and ball point pens… those crafty lushes at the Wabash Valley Correctional Facility even made wine in their toilets with a sock, an apple and some bread.  And here I was complaining that my Target brand boxed wine tasted like shit!

But now, to get to the real reason for this post:  I am sincerely pleased that everyone’s favorite southern rap phenom Lil Wayne is out of the big house!  I watched a documentary about him a few weeks ago and he seems like a pretty nice guy!  Granted, most folks who smoke pot all day long are pretty nice guys.  Like non-stop.  He smokes pot non-stop, the whole movie, in every scene, in every shot.  At first I thought I had popped a Judd Apatow flick in by accident, but then I was like, “wait, there are no black guys in Judd Apatow movies”… and only a black guy can pull off hair like Lil Wayne.  Trust me, there was an unfortunate 3-month period in high school when I thumbed my nose at hairbrushes and wore nothing but Phish t-shirts and corduroy pants.  Believe it or not, my white girl dreads* didn’t look nearly as cool as Lil’s.

So congrats, Lil Wayne!  I hope you’re celebrating with non-shitter liquor and a big ol’ blunt!

* or as my mom called them, “that rat’s nest on my head”