Posts Tagged ‘match.com’

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt…

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011

Oh man, she’s done it again — Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dumped. The perpetual singledom of Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of those concepts that will forever confuse me, like string theory, dangling participles or how Christina Aguilera’s face has ballooned into a shape that can only be described as Snooki-esque. Jennifer  seems very nice and normal to me. She catches a lot of flack for her ever-expanding ass, but I think that should say to guys “hey look at me, I’m low maintenance!” She’s always wearing sweats or pajama pants and it seems to me that most of the pictures I see of her she’s taking the trash out, so along with being low maintenance we know she’s not a hoarder. I think this girl sounds like a catch! Though I’m off the market now (sorry fellas!) I was once quite the match.com whore, so I’d like to offer a few tips to J Lo 2.0 (how she let Jennifer Lopez steal that moniker from her is beyond me… as long as no one touches J Lill I guess I shouldn’t be bothered):

5 Tips from a Former Match.com Pro:

1. If you mention the term “hand jobs” in your profile it will get taken down. (Even if you mention it in a totally positive way, like, “guys are always telling me I give great hand jobs!”). Also, your password can’t be “ihatecats”.

2. It’s required that you say something in your profile along the lines of “I like to work hard, but play harder!!!” and/or “one day I’m in sneakers, the next I’m in Jimmy Choos!”. Apparently guys like girls who are both themselves, and also the opposite of that.

3. Photoshop every picture before it goes up (so obvious I debated listing it).

4. When the only pictures of a guy are taken by him in the bathroom mirror it means he literally doesn’t have any friends… which is perfect because that means more time for you!! Send him a message!

5. If a guy writes to you and tells you he “used to only date models but now he’s ready to find someone more normal” and then asks you out, don’t go out with him. He’s an asshole named Ranjeed and he will demand that you go dutch on his 3 Heinekens and your Diet Coke. F that guy.

Dear Olivia Wilde…

Friday, February 11th, 2011

If this isn’t proof that no relationship can last under the pressure of Hollywood success, I don’t know what is. (Wow, what a romantic first sentence — maybe I should save this post for Valentine’s Day!)  Olivia Wilde has announced she’s divorcing her husband of 8 years, Prince Tao Ruspoli. Yeah that’s right… PRINCE… as in, the person that every character in every fairytale and animated Disney movie is trying to marry. That kind of prince. Only in Hollywood does an honest-to-goodness prince get dumped on his ass.

This brings me to the big question: who the hell does this chick think she is?! Good luck out there in the LA dating scene, Olivia! I’ve been there. Expect lots of dutch coffee dates (that’s not some new kind of coffee, that’s referring to the cheap LA idiots who can’t even buy a girl a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte) and guys who you think are really green because they ride their bikes everywhere, only to discover they’re actually homeless and your Michelob Ultra was just paid for courtesy of the suckers who gave him change while waiting in traffic at the intersection of Lacienega and Olympic. Love is in the air! No wait, that’s the stench of a guy who hasn’t bathed in a week, my bad.