In honor of St. Patty’s Day I decided to write my fan mail to an Irishman. Isn’t Liam Neeson just the best?! Literally, he’s the best: here’s a survey that found that he’s the most popular Irish person in the US. See, I told you, the best. I just saw his movie Unknown and although I still don’t know if he was a good guy or a bad guy (or a good guy pretending to be bad or vice versa, it was very confusing but that could in part be blamed on the pre-movie day-drinking I was involved in — hey, no big woop, I’m Irish!), so although I kind of had no idea what was going on, even in my drunken state I walked away saying “Damn that Leon Neilson is a great actor” to which my boyfriend said “Uh, it’s Liam Neeson” to which I said “Why do you always have to correct me?! You think you’re soooo smart, don’t you?! Whatever, ARE YOU EVEN IN LOVE WITH ME??!!” (I’m an angry drunk).
Now I happen to be 3/4 Irish myself and I’m not just saying that because it’s cool to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day; I know this fact because my dad spends a shitload of time on Ancestry.com, which is sort of the opposite of cool, but hey dad, keep up the good work! In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I’m going to dress up like a homeless person who really likes green and make my annual March 17th trip to McDonald’s where I will treat myself to a large order of fries. I know, I know, McDonald’s is technically Scottish, but that’s practically the same thing, plus Irish are known for their love of potatoes (or for not having enough potatoes? or something like that…). Before I head home I plan on washing my taters down with a giant fluorescent green minty Shamrock Shake. No way you’re gonna tell me a Shamrock Shake isn’t 100% Irish?! Folks, that’s what I call 3 killing birds with one Blarney Stone.
Us Weekly is reporting that Paul Giamatti charged two people $5 a piece to get a picture with him after the Golden Globes. Their source says, “At first they thought he was joking, then he says he’s serious, so the guy gives him a ten dollar bill and snaps the photos with his camera phone.”
Ummm, it’s a recession. People aren’t just throwing Abe around willy nilly. For $5 I can get one McChicken sandwich, two small fries, an apple pie and a small Diet Coke… or… a hot fudge sunday, two apple pies, a Fruit N’ Yogurt Parfait and a side salad… or… (if I’m feeling crazy) five McDoubles… or… (if it’s before 10:30 on a weekday or 11:00 on a weekend) two sausage McMuffins, hashbrowns, a sausage burrito and a small Premium Roast coffee… I’m just saying there are a lot of choices when it comes to spending your hard earned cash and I chose the McDonald’s Dollar Menu over a pic with “the guy who couldn’t get laid in that wine movie” any day.
The Night Before Thanksgiving! It’s like St. Patrick’s Day but without the stupid outfits made up of whatever green shit you have in your closet. The biggest drinking night of the year is here, so I’ve decided to write my fan mail today to someone who would really enjoy our pre-holiday holiday, Amy Winehouse. Here’s why I think she should be my drinking buddy tonight:
1. Amy’s is the kind of girl who could drink with you all night and then when you walk through the McDonald’s drive-thru at 2:30am and order a large #2 Extra Value Meal and a couple Snack Wraps she’s not gonna try to eat all your fries. It’s one of the few bonuses of hanging out with an anorexicy person.
2. She just got a pet monkey who would obviously hang with us all night.
3. I couldn’t write to Charlie Sheen two days in a row.
Here’s a little song I wrote that summarizes my plans for this evening: