Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
GQ just published an interview with Billy Ray Cyrus in which he says Hannah Montana ruined his family. I’m not sure why they didn’t come back to him with the more pressing question: and what, pray tell, ruined Hannah Montana? (ANS: the McDonald’s Value Menu) Check out this recent pic of Miley:
I think what we’re witnessing here is a perfect storm of weight gain, the the fatty trifecta:
1. the notorious “freshman 15” — apparently not just for college kids anymore!
2. stress eating — her parents are getting divorced and it’s all her fault! (seriously, her dad just told GQ: her fault!)
3. the munchies
If I took anything away from the Grammy’s (other than Gaga does a killer rendition of Madonna’s “Express Yourself”) it’s that Jennifer Hudson has bottomed out on the weight loss; nothing left to lose there. Maybe Weight Watchers and Miley should have a little chat about a) potential spokesperson duties and b) how many points are in that bag of Doritos she’s undoubtedly downing at 3 in the morning after a few hits of salvia*.
* Suuuuuuuuuuuure, “salvia”
Monday, December 13th, 2010
A video of Miley Cyrus getting stoned on Salvia surfaced recently and her dad went to twitter to comment on it, because that’s normal. He said “Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I’m so sad.” You’d expect someone named Billy Ray Cyrus to be more of a “I’m gonna take y’out back and whip you with a hickory stick” kind of dad and less or a passive aggressive tweeter. I guess his long flowing locks and 90’s goatee should’ve tipped me off that he was a pussy but this puts an ends to the discussion. Go see what else you can get away with, Miley!!
Also, on an unrelated note, I’m STILL out sailing the Atlantic. No Jack Sparrow in sight, however Bermuda is in sight — land ho! My fan mail today is blurry because I took a shot of it while we were bouncing around in some giant waves. I’m just happy it’s not covered in remnants of my seasickness.
Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010
Gotta love the latest Charlie Sheen debacle. So now the porn star (hooker) is suing the actor (trainwreck) for false imprisonment and assault and he’s suing her for extortion. I’m no algebra whiz but I think those cancel each other out. Let’s just call it even and move on already!
Here’s the thing: it’s Charlie Sheen. You don’t go to Taco Bell and complain when you get diarrhea, do you? It’s just Charlie being Charlie… he’s the Miley Cyrus of adult men… he can’t be tamed!
I say Charlie needs to have an extended affair with a certain Ms. Betty Ford while Capri needs to disappear from the limelight because if one more G.D. hooker/call girl/mistress gets a reality TV show/book deal/CAA representation I swear to you someone’s* gonna hear about it!
* Dr. Joseph P. Tenley Ph.D., my therapist