Posts Tagged ‘Navy’

Dear Veterans…

Friday, November 11th, 2011

Hands down we’ve got the most bad ass military in the world.  I mean, it’s really not even a contest. Our Coast Guard alone could probably taken down most of Europe if they felt like it.  Proud to say I was part of that military at one point; now I’m just a crusty old Vet telling her salty sea stories to anyone who will listen.  Have I told you the one about when I was the Officer of the Deck and accidentally thought Mogadishu was in China? Ah, yes, that was the day the whole crew of USS HIGGINS started calling me “Lieutenant Dumb Ass”… (true story)

PS. No shit, it’s like in AFRICA or something. Crazy, right? It just sounds Chinese… I swear I’ve had Mogadishu with pork before.

More Navy posts: To Demi… and to bad ass Navy SEALs

Dear Demi Moore…

Monday, October 3rd, 2011

I used to love Demi Moore, but then again she was G.I. Jane and I used to be in the Navy (as some of my faithful readers already know).  Although I’ve never done a one armed push-up or shaved my head, we have at least one thing in common: we’ve both survived the wrath of the Navy’s least flattering uniform, Winter Working Blues.  I owe her plenty of thanks for looking shitting in that damn thing.  It was my go-to excuse for 4 years as to why I also looked shitty in it.  Can we get on that, Navy???  Eh?  If Demi looks like a fat ass in Winter Working Blues maybe we’ve got a design problem.

Anyway, so yeah, I used to think she was the best, until one day…

That’s around the time she lost me.  Really, Demi?  Your favorite comfort food is FRENCH FRIES?  No.  Effing.  Way.  I’m not a doctor or anything, but I do fancy myself to be a bit of a french fry expert and I’ll tell you what, this is not a fry eater we’re dealing with here.

So that’s when she lost me.

Well now she’s gone and won me over again.  What can I say, I’m a softy for scorned women.  So go on Demi, keep pretending to eat fries, I’ll let it slide.  But you better have your answers ready when we meet one day and I ask you if you like them thin and crispy or if you’re more of a steak fry gal (correct answer is obviously thin and crispy).

Dear un-named Navy SEALs who croaked that dipshit bin Laden,

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

On a day like today who can write fan mail to reality TV stars (Nene Leakes deserves a shout out after throwing down with Star Jones last night on Celebrity Apprentice) or baby-making songstresses (Mariah Carey finally popped!) or the object of random celebrity sightings (I did a show with Brian Dunkleman — the original host of American Idol — on Friday night; not braggin, just… well yes, I guess I’m bragging)? Celebrities schmelebrities, today my heart felt fan mail goes to the brave ass-kickers who wacked Osama bin Laden last night!

As many of my readers know, I spent some time in the Navy myself. Granted, the most dangerous thing I ever did was attempt a 10-minute jump rope workout on the flight deck of a Guided Missile Destroyer* that was rocking and rolling in the unpredictable seas of the Northern Arabian Gulf (very, very bad idea). Oh, and then this one other time I got into the habit of eating a pie (no shit, a whole pie**) every single day for like two months of a six month deployment so that I no longer fit into any of my uniforms… not really dangerous but trust me, VERY uncomfortable. Tight pants are a girl’s worst enemy. Speaking of enemies (what a segue!), we all have one less of them today thanks to a handful of brave Navy SEALs. Thanks, guys. keep up the good work. You, and everyone else in our military are what make us the best damn country on earth! (well jazz and corn dogs helped too, but it’s really mostly you guys)

* Shout out to USS HIGGINS!! What what!!
** Seriously, another day, another pie: lemon meringue, pecan, strawberry cream, apple, key lime… it was amazing! Until I put on 18 pounds. Then it was the opposite of amazing.