Posts Tagged ‘Oprah’

Dear Lance Armstrong…

Friday, January 18th, 2013

Lance Armstrong was apparently prepared to do anything to win, including blood and plasma transfusions, injections of human growth hormone testosterone and calf’s blood. I don’t get it. Honestly. What’s so great about winning?

Reasons winning is overrated:

1. People don’t like winners (look what it did to Charlie Sheen). We like losers. ie. June Shannon (Honey Boo Boo’s mom). No denying she’s a total loser, and guess what? I LOVE HER! The term “lovable loser” exists because losers are, in fact, lovable. Not like prick-faced Lance Armstrong. He’s so unlikeable, he should play a Republican in a movie.

2. Losers make average people feel better about themselves. Why do you think I continue to be friends with like 15% of my Facebook friends? (not you, whoever is reading this, you’re awesome).

3. When you win all the time, people expect you to continue winning, which puts pressure on you to win, which leads to stress, and as we all know, stress is where wrinkles come from and fuck it, I’d rather be a 45-year-old loser who still gets carded at bars than a raisin-faced winner.

So here’s my advice to Lance… go out there and do some solid LOSING for awhile!

Dear Tom Cruise…

Friday, October 7th, 2011

Sure he’s weird, believes in aliens, is in a fake hetero-sexual marriage, and wouldn’t have lasted very long growing up in the Lillis household with my mom’s “no jumping on the couch” rule, there’s at least one thing that no one can take away from Tom Cruise: he’s a PARTY STARTER!!!

Exhibit 1, 2 and 3: Tom’s dance-off at a head of Oracle Larry Ellison’s son’s wedding.

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Dear Oprah (Winfrey)…

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

Apparently I’m not the only one who wants to binge on brownies after some downward-faced-dogging and will celebrate my completion of “A Course In Weight Loss” with 820 calories and half my daily fat intake’s worth of homemade mac and cheese (because obviously I’ll eat 2 servings).  This lady just gets me!

I’ll be honest, I never watch Oprah.  I’m sure she’s really nice and all that, I just think of The Oprah Show as the gateway drug to daytime worthlessness.  You make Oprah appointment television and it’s a slippery slope before you’re up to speed on Luke and Laura (are they still around?).  Apparently on Friday she had her annual “favorite things” episode where she gives everyone in the audience all kinds of shit and they, in turn, lose their shit.  Like this guy:

While I admittedly don’t watch Oprah, I’m aware of “The Oprah Effect” and was thinking that my comedy career could get a little boost from something like that.  I looked into getting booked on The Oprah Show and found this: “Susan Harrow’s Ultimate Guide to Getting Booked on Oprah: Super Training Kit”.

Turns out that for the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get booked on The Oprah Show!  Oh wait, no, that’s not it.  For the low, low price of $847 (plus shipping & handling) I can get some books about how to get booked on The Oprah Show.  Well that sounds like a deal!  Wait a second, there I go again, let’s think about this.  No, no it doesn’t.  That actually sounds like a total scam.

I’ll tell ya what, Susan Harrow, as soon as I see your Ultimate Guide on Oprah’s Book Club, I’m in!  Until then, my dreams of being on Oprah will have to rely on good ol’ fashioned fan mail to one Ms. Winfrey (see above)… cross your fingers!

ps.  Yes, I made stationary from a picture of mac and cheese.