Posts Tagged ‘Oscars’

Dear Billy Crystal…

Monday, February 27th, 2012

I wonder if, when people ask Billy’s comedian friends about his comedy, they reply with “um, yeah he’s really… nice.”

Dear Ricky Gervais…

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards?  The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring.  That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).

HOW TO MAKE THE NEXT GOLDEN GLOBES (AKA THE OSCARS) A HUGE HIT
1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*

* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.

Dear Melissa Leo…

Monday, February 28th, 2011

There’s nothing I like more than inappropriate F-bomb dropping and last night Academy Award winner Melissa Leo didn’t let me down.  In what was easily the most boring Oscars telecast of all time, the only thing that even remotely stood out was Leo’s acceptance speech.  (Or maybe Kirk Douglas’ earlobes.  Twelve hours later and I’m still haunted by Kirk Douglas’ earlobes.)

Thank you Melissa Leo; I’ll take 4 letter words over a litany of every agent and publicist you’ve ever worked with any day!  (But seriously though, I’ve never seen anything like those lobes.  They were long and supple, like African lady titties that’ve been dangling in the sun for years.)

Plus she looked great, wearing what can only be described as doily couture.  (Maybe Kirk could get a support system for those things, like an ear bra, or an auditory jock strap, or a system of ropes and pulleys what would at least keep everything high and tight and in place.)

I didn’t actually see The Fighter, the movie Melissa Leo was nominated for, but I heard her performance was gripping.  (I’m surprised there’s no chafing or bruising on the side of Kirk’s head from where those lobes smack into him every day.  Every time he turns his head it’s gotta be like getting slapped across the face with a big ol’ National Geographic-style flapjack.  How does a man live like that?  No wonder he looked a little stiff on stage last night, he was concentrating on keeping his head still so he wouldn’t get wacked with those monster lobes.  I mean, it’s embarrassing to accidentally swear on live television, but I’d chose that over knocking yourself out with your own saggy ear boobs!)

So a big fucking congrats to both Melissa Leo and Kirk Douglas’ earlobes, my three favorite things about the 83rd Annual Academy Awards.

Dear James Franco…

Friday, February 25th, 2011

I can’t figure out why Dos Equis hasn’t replaced that old guy who plays the most interesting man in the world with the actual most interesting man in the world: James Franco. Sure he’s a famous movie star and yes he’s getting his PhD at Yale, but he’s also a recurring character on General Hospital. Ummm, that’s interesting. I’ve spent way too much time thinking about what would motivate him to do this and all I can come up with is that he wants to bang housewives in their 50’s. That’s who’s watching General Hospital, right? This is the ONE demographic he wasn’t able to reach with projects like Freaks and Geeks, Milk or the Spiderman Trilogy. He could have anyone he wanted… college chicks… porn stars… models… gay men; he could’ve had any of them!  But it’s just like an interesting man like this to be into the one demographic that was paying him no love: menopausal ladies. If you think my theory holds no water, ask yourself what film he did just after he started popping up in the hospitals of Port Charles… Eat, Pray, Love! Case closed. Let’s just say I wouldn’t put money on Annette Benning to take home an Oscar, but I’m guessing her host will have a consolation prize for her in the way of face suckage.

PS. You think we could lobby to get the term switched to “he’s a real James of all trades”…?!