Posts Tagged ‘Paris Hilton’

Dear Scarlett Johansson…

Friday, September 16th, 2011

A couple days ago some naked pics of Scarlett Johansson were leaked on the internet. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  Oh sorry.  That was me sleeping because I’m SO BORED OF THE LAME ASS LEAKED NAKED PIC SCANDAL.  And let’s get real, we’re just talking about a few shots of Scarlett’s jugs… do we really need to involve the federal government?  (She’s got the FBI on the case and you know they’re super bummed about this assignment.  “What’s that, boss?  You need me to investigate the most beautiful girl in the world’s breasts?  Whatever you need!”)

There are so many photos that I find waaaaay more scandalous than boob shots — FOOT shots, for example.  I once saw a close up picture of Paris Hilton’s monstrous feet and it’s haunted me ever since.  And Victoria Beckham’s feet have more bunions than toes.  These are the kind of pics celebs should really be ashamed of.

Dear Brooke Mueller…

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Yesterday Charlie Sheen stopped banging his goddesses and talking about winning long enough to send a crazy anti-Semitic text to his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.  I’m not talking a “hey, Jews have curly hair and don’t pick up a tab” kind of anti-Semitic text…. this had more of a Mel Gibson tone and a John Galliano sentiment.  It was bad.  Later, Mr. Tigerblood claimed that he never sent the text, rather, Brooke sent it from his phone to frame him.

First of all, Charlie, phones don’t work like that.  You can’t just send a text from another person’s phone without having the phone in your possession.  Maybe somehow you can, because you’re a warlock and not of this terrestrial realm, but the rest of us can’t.

Secondly, Brooke Mueller has come out with an ALIBI!! (You go, girl!!).  Brooke says at the time when the text was sent, she was (drum roll please)… filming a reality show with Paris Hilton.  Oh.  Wow.  Well I think the courts will determine that this alibi is clearly verifiable because really, who would admit to that if it wasn’t true.  How embarrassing, right?!  Say you were taking a dump… googling yourself incessantly*… farting in an elevator… accidentally misplacing your clip-in hair extensions at a wine tasting party.  Pretty much anything is less humiliating than “filming a reality show with Paris Hilton”.  You’re a brave woman, Brooke!