Posts Tagged ‘pregnant’

Dear Royal Embryo…

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

Two HUGE things happened in the world of England’s monarchy over the weekend:
1. Kate Middleton got bangs.
2. Kate Middleton announced she’s pregnant.

I’m way more excited about the bangs.  Bangs are adorable and fun while babies just lead to cellulite and cankles. But the girl is smart, she’s drawing our attention up to her newly covered forehead and away from the impending saddlebags, or as they call them in England, impending “bloody saddlebags”.

For more on the royals, check out previous posts like this come-to-LA one and this you’re-having-a-wedding one.

  

Dear Solange Knowles…

Monday, August 29th, 2011

The big news in the Knowles family this past weekend should have been be the fact that Beyonce is pregnant and she was announcing it at the VMA’s.  WOO HOO!!

Yeah, that’ should’ve been the big woop.  But it wasn’t.  In a typical “hey look at me, I’m the little sister and I need attention too” move, while big sis was announcing her pregnantness, Solange was up to the following:

1.  trying to sneak into a bar in Miami with a 5 foot long inflatable banana
2.  getting into an altercation with the cops regarding the aforementioned 5 foot long inflatable banana
3.  accusing the Miami cops of racism for not letting her into the club because she’s black (not because she wouldn’t let go of her damn 5 foot long inflatable banana)

Sure, maybe the cops were being prejudiced — prejudiced against dumbassness– and not only am I fine with that, I’m all for it!  If you ask me, we need to be prejudiced against dumbasses  a lot more often in this country.  We can start with inflatable  banana-toting R&B singers and then make our way to SUV drivers who park in compact spots.

You can’t just go around with a 5 foot long inflatable banana and think everyone’s gonna be cool with it.  For the most part, NO ONE is actually going to be cool with it.  People might pretend they’re cool with it.  To her face her friends are probably all saying “Oh Solange you’re so crazy! You’re so fun! You’re the life of the party!”, but behind her back you can be sure it’s more like “enough with the G.D. banana!”

 

 

Dear Lizzie McGuire…

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Since when is Hilary Duff old enough to get married and knocked up?  Friends of mine who have kids are always like “oooooh they grow up so fast” and I think I finally understand what they mean.  Honestly you  guys, Lizzie McGuire has sex?  And everyone is cool with that?  It seems like only yesterday she was dating Aaron Carter and being googled by pedophiles.  Now you’re telling me the creeps googling “Lizzie McGuire naked” are technically just regular run of the mill creeps of the non-pedophile variety?  (By the way, if the blog is down tomorrow it’s because it crashed thanks to all those sickos who are searching that term and will now and up here.)

The first story I read about Hilary Duff being pregnant was this one on RadarOnline about Hil and hubby going out for a sushi date.  Now I know pretty much NOTHING about being pregnant.   Like, I’m honestly still confused about how that baby-fetus-minihuman stays alive in a belly full of water.  And what’s the deal with bellybuttons?   However there’s one thing even I know: NO SUSHI!  This is what happens when we let teens screw.

Dear Jesse James…

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

Just last weekend I was laying by the pool, paging through some gossip mags and catching up on my “reasons to hate Jesse James”.  Let’s think, he cheated on Sandra Bullock (possibly our most prized national treasure)… now he’s on a book tour where he’s saying she was never that good in bed, she was kind of average looking, he bets she cheated on him too and she was selfish.  Oh yeah, and there’s also that whole thing about him being a Nazi.

Not to be outdone, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he cheated on Maria Shriver (A Kennedy! He cheated on a Kennedy! That’s like trying to pull a hoax on a gypsy… or give an Asian lady a manicure.)  Maria Kennedy Shriver was different though, she’s a class act no-nonsense kinda lady and Arnold screwed around on her with a member of their house staff (Sidenote: I can’t wait until I’m rich enough to have house staff. Note to self: they will all be ugly and unable to procreate.)  This house-staff-lady-whatever-that-means was then impregnated by the Sperminator and then gave birth to his bastard child and then (there’s more!) raised him for 10 years while still working for the shithead and his lovely Kennedy wife all the while telling her husband the child was his! Ok, I think that’s it.

On the plus side, there’s a 10-year-old kid out there who is finally able to make sense of why half his face is forehead and he’s got a body that looks like a refrigerator.

 

Dear Ryan Reynolds…

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Is there anything more annoying than finding out that an ex is in love, thriving, and happy? Yes: add “having a baby with an Oscar-winning actor.” Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were married for 2 years, only separating in December, and last weekend she moved in with her new boyfriend Sean Penn. To make matters worse, by all accounts (except for those of her publicist, agent and all professional representation) she’s pregnant! Honestly, the latest image of Scarlett is so telling, it may as well be a sonogram:

That’s a knocked up chick if I’ve ever seen one. So what’s Ryan Reynolds to do? Mope? Bury himself in Cadbury Eggs, Mint Milanos and Sex & The City marathons on E! (my go to moves)? As Charlotte told Carrie just last night on a episode when she was bummed out about one of her many break ups with Big, it takes half the length of time you were with someone to get overhim (or her, presumably). Sooooo, in Ryan’s case he should ignore that math and just call me asap. Although I’m off the market (and in love and thriving and happy — ahem, hellooooo! to any of my exes who happen to be reading this) I’ve got plenty of friends I’d love to set him up with!

Dear Khloe Kardashian…

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in).  Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS.  Let me make my case…

Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).

Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.

Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar.  I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging?  Get a room!  (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?!  WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!!  A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES!  I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE.  DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?  ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)

So, ummmm, have a good Monday!

Dear Pink…

Wednesday, March 16th, 2011

Pink got the worst hair cut of all time.  Here’s a woman who’s about to have a baby, and the first thing this kid will see is:

This baby’s gonna open its eyes and think “Great, just great… just spent 9 months trying not to drown, got squeezed through a vaginal canal half the size of my head, and now I have to deal with this gray-haired little boy!?”  Luckily Pink realizes how bad it is, and recently tweeted:

The United Butchers Association immediately released a statement saying they had nothing to do with Pink’s haircut, and regret that they have in any way been linked to such a monstrosity.

 

Dear Victoria Beckham (again)…

Wednesday, February 9th, 2011

Yesss! Victoria Beckham is currently in talks to do one of those naked pregnant lady photo shoots for the cover of Vogue. In other words… FAT POSH SPICE PICS!!! As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, the impossible girth of Victoria Beckham’s thighs literally keeps me up at night. How is it possible for a human to be so tiny? She makes the Olsen twins look downright chubby (Btw, anyone heard from them lately? They may have gotten lost in giant fur coats, maybe someone should go check on them.)

Seeing some “fat, happy and preggers” pics of the old broad would be refreshing. I’ve had a few pregnant friends, so I’d like to offer some styling suggestions based on my knowledge of what pregnant people do… picture it…
1. Victoria sitting in an unmade bed, surrounded by cheese puffs and cookie dough, watching Live with Regis & Kelly. (This is an aspect of pregnancy I cannot wait for.)
2. Victoria standing next to the “junk drawer” in her kitchen, organizing coupons in alphabetical order. (I got my microwave, two stationary sets and most of my Christmas decorations from a friend who was doing some serious ‘nesting’.)
3. Victoria standing outside a sushi place making a sad face. (Hey pregnant ladies, we get it. You can’t have sushi. There’s plenty of other food out there, just suck it up for 9 months and live like middle America — without spicy tuna rolls.)

Dear Benjamin Millepied…

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

All guys have a thing for Natalie Portman.  It’s like it’s embedded in the male DNA or something.  When they describe her, there’s always a mention of the fact that she went to Harvard… which clearly has nothing to do with why guys like her because there’s a shitload of ugly chicks writing research papers and doing advanced calculus in Cambridge each year and none of them have the adoration of the entire male population.

Well I’m sure Scotch is being guzzled and beer is being chugged today as men across the land cope with the news that Natalie Portman is off the market — engaged and impregnated by the most unlikely type of guy — a male ballerina.  It’s kind of like the improbable relationship in Knocked Up.  In the movie, a fat, schlubby, unemployed pot-head hooks up with a successful, has-her-shit-together E! news reporter.  In this real life but just as far-fetched story, a fit, world renowned ballet choreographer and principal dancer at the New York City Ballet hooks up with a world famous, critically acclaimed actress.  Ok, so it’s not exactly the same thing, but seriously… a super hot chick hooking up with a male ballerina?!  I don’t buy it.