Monday, January 16th, 2012
Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards? The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring. That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).
HOW TO MAKE THE NEXT GOLDEN GLOBES (AKA THE OSCARS) A HUGE HIT
1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*
* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.
Thursday, October 6th, 2011
Steve Jobs died yesterday and it’s a real bummer. Considering my last 3 laptops have been Macs, I’m on my second iPhone and I pretty much can’t remember a time when I sweat on purpose without an iPod nearby, he’s really been a daily part of my life for the past, uhhh, decade.
From now on, instead of getting all pissed off when iTunes asks me if I want to update (no, no I don’t want to update… there are too many updates, they happen too often, they never make anything better, they just leave me in a state of “well now where do I go to find Real Housewives?!” confusion, and they halt all other work I’m planning on accomplishing in the next 15 minutes, so NO, I DO NOT WANT TO UPDATE, ITUNES!!!)… well instead of getting annoyed I’m going to think of it as a little “hey, how ya doin’?” from Steve to me. And for a second it will be a really sweet moment and I’ll think “WWSJD?”: he’d think outside the box; he’d not compare himself to the competition; he’d always follow his dream; and yes, he’d probably update iTunes. Fine.
Sunday, June 26th, 2011
On Friday afternoon the New York State Senate passed the Marriage Equality Bill, which means TLC is probably already in production on at least seven gay wedding shows — Say Yes to the Tux, Groomzillas, an even gayer version of David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding… honestly, this could get ugly. Time Warner needs to offer a bigger DVR box, pronto — I’m already hovering at 85% capacity with all the Housewives and the Tiara’d Toddlers and the standard guy-girl wedding garbage. I’m happy for the gays, don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled… but it seems sickly ironic that, while gays are celebrating what is most certainly a positive step for their relationships, my current relationship will be taking a giant step backwards if my boyfriend’s episodes of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel start getting dropped in lieu of My Big Fat Gay Wedding.