Monday, January 31st, 2011
Charlie Sheen is finally in rehab! Apparently his dad asked him to go and you don’t not do what Martin Sheen asks you to do… this is POTUS we’re talking about. He says “jump”, Bradley Whitford asks “how high?” He says “quit doing blow with porn stars”, Charlie Sheen asks “ok, but how ‘bout crack with hookers?”
Now the big question is, what will happen to the price of cocaine while Charlie is in rehab? If Econ 101 taught me anything, I know that this immediate and drastic decrease in demand will surely lead to a decrease in both price and quantity of cocaine nationwide. Are we prepared to let our coke-whores snort cheap, sub-par cocaine? Should the government step in and stabilize the market by subsidizing the commodity until Charlie is back in the game? Let’s just all pray for his speedy recovery so that we don’t face yet another economic downturn.
Monday, January 3rd, 2011
Lindsay Lohan is being released from her court-ordered rehab today. The big question everyone is asking is “what should she do now?!” Actually, not that many people are probably asking that. Apparently she’s launching a website and I think we can all agree that that’s a pretty shitty start to a big comeback. Launching websites is so “2010”. It’s 2011 now… she should invent a robot that will launch a website for her. Or take a spaceship to outerspace and launch her website from the moon. We’re living in the future now, people. Time to think outside the atmosphere.
Monday, November 8th, 2010
What can I say, she won me over in Mean Girls. She kind of lost me around the time she went on the coke-fueled car chase, but hell, I wasn’t in the car; who am I to hold a grudge? Now’s she’s got 2 months left in rehab but was just spotted shopping it up at Forever 21 at a mall nearby… escaping the fortress that is Betty Ford all in the name of flimsy leggings and cheap jewelry? She hasn’t pulled a caper like that since The Parent Trap hijinx with her British twin. In my completely unqualified opinion it appears as if she’s fast on the road to recovery!