Posts Tagged ‘Rihanna’

Dear Rihanna…

Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

Rihanna is on the cover of Rolling Stone this month and based on the quotes from the interview this chick is sluttier than a former Disney starlet trying to shed her good girl image… who also has daddy issues… and a creepy feely uncle:

“Being submissive in the bedroom is really fun.”

“I like to be spanked.”

“Being tied up is fun. I like to keep it spontaneous.”

“Sometimes whips and chains can be overly planned… I’d rather have him use his hands.”

Chris Brown is like “you gotta be fucking kidding me.”  As we speak, Chris’s lawyer is probably using this to come up with an appeal to the assault charges against him from 2009.  I’m no lawyer but here’s what I’m picturing: “My client merely treated your client as she asked, by keeping it ‘spontaneous’ and ‘using his hands’ (which happened to be in the shape of fists at the time).  He just ‘spanked’ (her face), what’s the big woop?”  PS. I’d make a shitty lawyer.

Dear Chris Brown…

Monday, February 14th, 2011

Chris Brown was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. I usually don’t know who the musical guest is because I fast forward through those parts of the show (as well as that one recurring sketch of the family that kisses on the lips… oh gee, is it gonna end with two guys sucking face? Never saw that coming!) Anyway, so I’m watching SNL, about to skip through the music, when all of a sudden I’m hypnotized by dance… it was like the final scene in Dirty Dancing when time seems to stand still and every dance move is perfect and the whole crowd is blown away. Yeah, just like that, but I was the entire crowd of patrons at the 1960’s Catskills summer resort and Chris Brown was both Baby and Johnny Castle. Soooo, I guess it’s a pretty shitty analogy now that I really put it down on paper.

Now I’m no hip hop master (surprise surprise), but I have been known to bust the proverbial move at my gym’s bi-weekly Cardio Hip Hop Fusion Class and I’ve DVR’d at least a season or two of America’s Best Dance Crew, so I think I’m in the position to opine on this just a bit. Chris Brown really brought it! As Lil’ Mama might say, “Damn, Chris, that was swaggerific! Your choreography was hot, your tics were tight and your executions were crispy.” Congrats Chris! You’re just a kick-ball-change away from the world forgetting you’re a lady beater!

PS. Happy Valentine’s Day!