Posts Tagged ‘royal wedding’

Dear Kim Kardashian (again!)…

Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Aw hell yeah!  Yesterday it was announced that Kim Kardashian is engaged to basketball player Kris Humphries!  Much like the Space Race of the 60’s and 70’s when we put a smack-down on Russia, this is the era of the Wedding Race and we’ve got our eye on you, England.  Sure they had their Sputnik moment with Pippa’s ass, but we’ve got a bride with an rear that defies logic, human anatomy, and the basic principles of physics.  They had adorable choir boys with angelic voices… screw angels, we’ll get Kanye!  You thought Prince Harry was a fun-loving wild child?  I see your Harry and raise you one party starter/drama queen Scott Disick!  Game on, England.  Game on.

Dear Prince Harry…

Friday, April 29th, 2011

I have to admit, I loved every second of that damn wedding. The lacy gown (who says deep-V’s are just for hipsters?!), the wacky-ass hats (how Gaga!), the men in uniform (hellooooo Harry!), the inexplicable trees in the church (wtf?), the little boys singing (keep the pedophiles away!), … I cried like 4 different times. I remember my mom telling me about watching Princess Di’s wedding; she woke up early along with the rest of the world to see the People’s Princess take her vows. Well someday I’ll tell be able to tell my kids that I woke up around 10am the day after Will and Kate’s wedding and watched it hungover on DVR as gay men gave me the play-by-play. My coverage of choice for the big occasion was TLC. I figured any network that can pull off three different versions of Say Yes To The Dress (original, Atlanta, and Big Bliss — for fat chicks!) could do a bang up job covering the wedding of the century and they didn’t let me down. Clinton Kelly offered live commentary in a studio in London with lip readers, body language specialists, wedding experts, gown designers, Ivana Trump (because she’s rich?), Rupert Everett (because he’s been in movies about weddings?) plus color commentators at Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace and (for some reason) Times Square. What a celebration!! Congrats Will and Kate! Although the entire convention of a monarchy seems like a tasteless waste of money and an undemocratic show of unearned power and privilege, I’m sure you guys will make a lovely King and Queen someday!!

Dear Kate Middleton…

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

So a little birdie told me there’s a big wedding tomorrow. That “little birdie” was EVERY SINGLE NEWS AND MEDIA OUTLET ON THE PLANET. Like, we get it guys, it’s a wedding, I’ve been in like 7 of them, no big whoop. I was awoken this morning by NPR on my radio alarm giving me this pressing news: the merging of the family crests of Will and Kate is difficult because hers has acorns on it and squirrels aren’t very royal. Well I’d like to throw my two cents in and say that the UNICORN on the Windsor Family Coat of Arms doesn’t exactly scream “hey look at me, I’m the KING”. I mean, come on. A unicorn? And you Brits wonder why we don’t take your whole monarchy thing seriously over here. Here in the US of A we reserve unicorns for things like ironic T-shirts, little girls’ birthday parties and this:

And damnit, that’s why we’re the best country in the world! U S A! U S A! Now excuse me while I go set my DVR to record all 6 hours of television coverage of the Royal Wedding (What? I can’t miss the ROYAL WEDDING! It’s going to be the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!! Less than 12 hours and counting!!!! WILLS & KATE 4-EVAH!!!!!).

Dear Mike Tindall…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

Zara Phillips is some kind of miscellaneous princess in England (12th in line to the throne… does that even count?) and she just got engaged to the strangest-looking man I’ve ever seen.  He’s a cross between Sloth and every white guy in the UFC and he’s got a nose that is clearly no longer serving it’s purpose as a nose… you can’t breath out of something that makes a sharp right turn can you?  And support sunglasses?  Forget about it!

From the pics, I gather Zara’s not picky about noses or the maintenance of her own fingernails and Mike doesn’t seem to care about purchasing an even close to appropriately sized diamond considering he’s  proposing to a G.D. princess.