Posts Tagged ‘Sean Penn’

Dear Ryan Reynolds…

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Is there anything more annoying than finding out that an ex is in love, thriving, and happy? Yes: add “having a baby with an Oscar-winning actor.” Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were married for 2 years, only separating in December, and last weekend she moved in with her new boyfriend Sean Penn. To make matters worse, by all accounts (except for those of her publicist, agent and all professional representation) she’s pregnant! Honestly, the latest image of Scarlett is so telling, it may as well be a sonogram:

That’s a knocked up chick if I’ve ever seen one. So what’s Ryan Reynolds to do? Mope? Bury himself in Cadbury Eggs, Mint Milanos and Sex & The City marathons on E! (my go to moves)? As Charlotte told Carrie just last night on a episode when she was bummed out about one of her many break ups with Big, it takes half the length of time you were with someone to get overhim (or her, presumably). Sooooo, in Ryan’s case he should ignore that math and just call me asap. Although I’m off the market (and in love and thriving and happy — ahem, hellooooo! to any of my exes who happen to be reading this) I’ve got plenty of friends I’d love to set him up with!

Dear Scarlett Johansson…

Monday, March 7th, 2011

Scarlett Johansson is apparently head over heels for Sean Penn after returning from a secret getaway to Mexico (because drug cartels are romantic!). The relationship started last week when they went on a lunch date in LA.  I usually don’t pay too much attention to lunch dates but this one sticks out in my memory because while they were eating she had her bare feet on his lap.  Yeah, that’s right…. her FEET on his LAP while they were EATING.  BLECH!  In my world, feet and eating don’t mix.  Keep those dirty little monsters tucked away in your shoes, planted securely on the floor, as far away from mouths as possible, thankyouverymuch.

So anyway, she’s dating Sean Penn now.  Ummmmm, I think Scarlett needs some girl friends to chat with… maybe a good ol’ fashioned slumber party with sleeping bags and Bridget Jones Diary, a few bottles of Pinot Grigio and some cheese chunks.  One of these gal pals needs to be like “hey Scar, sooooooo, what do you think your type is?” And then Scarlett will contemplate for a minute and suddenly it will hit her, “oh my God, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA”.  Then she needs to grab a hold of the nearest Cosmopolitan, flip through until she finds the monthly “what type of guy is right for you” quiz, and figure that shit out.  When you go straight from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn, making early 20’s pit stops at Benicio del Toro and Josh Hartnett, you need help!

PS.  Scarlett, I will gladly be the previously referenced “gal pal”.  Let’s hang!!