Posts Tagged ‘SNL’

Dear Charles Barkley…

Monday, January 9th, 2012

If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts — this is a little game I play waaaaay more often than is probably normal. This, and the “if I had a baby and had to let one celebrity raise it, who would I give it to?” (BTW, the baby goes to Tim Gunn or Andy Cohen)… Back to the celebrityparts game.  If I were to construct the perfect human being out of celebrityparts, here’s how it would break down:

Legs = Cameron Diaz (they’re like 10 feet long)
Hair = Zooey Deschanel (all I want are successful bangs, is that too much to ask????)
Boobs = Eva Mendes (you’ve never noticed them, right? because they’re not too big, not too small, juuuuust right.)
Arms = Circa 1997 Demi Moore (Navy SEAL arms!) or current day Sarah Jessica Parker or the chick who plays “Tara” on True Blood
Abs = JWoww (at least I didn’t say The Situation)

And now… I’m pleased to announce a new addition to the “Perfect Person from Celebrityparts List” (drum roll pleeeeeeease)…

Head shape = CHARLES BARKLEY!!!!

He looks more like the bobble head Charles Barkley than the bobble head Charles Barkley.  It’s a thing of beauty, it’s perfection, I give you…

ps. I know geometry!

Dear Alec Baldwin…

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011

Earlier this month Ben & Jerry’s launched a flavor called “Schweddy Balls”, inspired by one of the best SNL sketches of all time starring Alec Baldwin.  Grumpy, no-fun moms everywhere are boycotting the flavor because they don’t like what Ben & Jerry have named it.  Hey moms of America, we haven’t liked what you gals have been naming your kids for years now, so until I stop seeing “names” like these* popping up on Toddlers & Tiaras, you can all shut your pie holes:


And for the record, it’s vanilla ice cream mixed with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls, and milk chocolate malt balls that we’re talking about here, not annoying 3-year-old prima donnas.  You can call this ice cream “Shit in a Pint Container” and I’d still rather spend my afternoon getting brain freeze than hanging with your little princess.

* No shit, I didn’t make a single one of those up.  Child protective services should be watching more TLC — it oughta be a crime to name your kid a misspelling.

Dear Chris Brown…

Monday, February 14th, 2011

Chris Brown was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live this past weekend. I usually don’t know who the musical guest is because I fast forward through those parts of the show (as well as that one recurring sketch of the family that kisses on the lips… oh gee, is it gonna end with two guys sucking face? Never saw that coming!) Anyway, so I’m watching SNL, about to skip through the music, when all of a sudden I’m hypnotized by dance… it was like the final scene in Dirty Dancing when time seems to stand still and every dance move is perfect and the whole crowd is blown away. Yeah, just like that, but I was the entire crowd of patrons at the 1960’s Catskills summer resort and Chris Brown was both Baby and Johnny Castle. Soooo, I guess it’s a pretty shitty analogy now that I really put it down on paper.

Now I’m no hip hop master (surprise surprise), but I have been known to bust the proverbial move at my gym’s bi-weekly Cardio Hip Hop Fusion Class and I’ve DVR’d at least a season or two of America’s Best Dance Crew, so I think I’m in the position to opine on this just a bit. Chris Brown really brought it! As Lil’ Mama might say, “Damn, Chris, that was swaggerific! Your choreography was hot, your tics were tight and your executions were crispy.” Congrats Chris! You’re just a kick-ball-change away from the world forgetting you’re a lady beater!

PS. Happy Valentine’s Day!