Posts Tagged ‘Snooki’

Dear Kat Von D…

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Kat Von D was on twitter today calling her ex Jesse James a cheater.  And the entire world replied with a collective “duh”.

Listen, when you date a guy who cheats on Sandra Bullock, you’ve got to realize what you’re getting yourself into.  It’s like dating Snooki and expecting her to start wearing underwear and not show her vagina to hundreds of club-going Italians (ahem, Jionni, are you listening?).  When the WHOLE COUNTRY is calling someone a cheater, you kinda gotta listen.  Just like in college when the whole football team called my boyfriend “Gay Timmy”, maybe I shoulda taken note.

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt…

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011

Oh man, she’s done it again — Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dumped. The perpetual singledom of Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of those concepts that will forever confuse me, like string theory, dangling participles or how Christina Aguilera’s face has ballooned into a shape that can only be described as Snooki-esque. Jennifer  seems very nice and normal to me. She catches a lot of flack for her ever-expanding ass, but I think that should say to guys “hey look at me, I’m low maintenance!” She’s always wearing sweats or pajama pants and it seems to me that most of the pictures I see of her she’s taking the trash out, so along with being low maintenance we know she’s not a hoarder. I think this girl sounds like a catch! Though I’m off the market now (sorry fellas!) I was once quite the whore, so I’d like to offer a few tips to J Lo 2.0 (how she let Jennifer Lopez steal that moniker from her is beyond me… as long as no one touches J Lill I guess I shouldn’t be bothered):

5 Tips from a Former Pro:

1. If you mention the term “hand jobs” in your profile it will get taken down. (Even if you mention it in a totally positive way, like, “guys are always telling me I give great hand jobs!”). Also, your password can’t be “ihatecats”.

2. It’s required that you say something in your profile along the lines of “I like to work hard, but play harder!!!” and/or “one day I’m in sneakers, the next I’m in Jimmy Choos!”. Apparently guys like girls who are both themselves, and also the opposite of that.

3. Photoshop every picture before it goes up (so obvious I debated listing it).

4. When the only pictures of a guy are taken by him in the bathroom mirror it means he literally doesn’t have any friends… which is perfect because that means more time for you!! Send him a message!

5. If a guy writes to you and tells you he “used to only date models but now he’s ready to find someone more normal” and then asks you out, don’t go out with him. He’s an asshole named Ranjeed and he will demand that you go dutch on his 3 Heinekens and your Diet Coke. F that guy.

Dear Snooki (again!)…

Monday, April 4th, 2011

Last night Snooki brought her fun-loving meatball antics to WWE’s WrestleMania 27 as part of the Brunette Mafia and proved that she’s more than just a horny, gorilla juicehead-chasing guidette with a drinking problem… she’s an athlete.  Who knew?!  (Also something I didn’t know — the WWE still exists.)

I’m no physics whiz, but the feats Snookems managed to perform seem to defy gravity. Isn’t there something in one of Newton’s Laws of Motion that indicates a beer keg of a body shouldn’t be able to flip and soar effortlessly through the air? Back flips, round offs, tumbling across the mat like there’s a guido meathead on the other side who she’s trying to get to… looks to me like Snookers has got some serious skills! Based on my very limited knowledge of what it takes to be an Olympic gymnast (I saw a Lifetime movie about it once), I think Snickers could do it! She’s got the moves, the confidence and she could teach those girls a thing or two about tanning.

PS. Gatorade, you might want to get started on a Ron Ron Juice flavor.

Dear Snooki…

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

Snooki was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show yesterday.  I would’ve watched but I can never get past all of Ellen’s dancing at the top of the show.  I get so embarrassed for her, the same way I feel when people like Shania Twain say things like “rock on”.  Or when Jennifer Aniston does pretty much anything.  Stop it, ladies, you’re humiliating yourselves.

So Snooki was on the show and told Ellen that, thanks to her rockstar lifestyle, she blacks out and wakes up in a trash can “like once a month”.  The weird thing is, there’s a guy in the alley behind my building who sleeps in the trash can like all the time.  You think it’s possible he’s just a hard partying reality star/television personality/novelist/slipper designer?  Maybe I should stop throwing my recyclables at him and see if he could recommend me to his agent.

Dear George Clooney…

Thursday, December 30th, 2010

George Clooney is teaming up with the United Nations and Google to launch satellites above the country of Sudan that will keep an eye on the border between north and south Sudan and try to prevent a civil war.  No, not a plot from a movie starring George Clooney — that’s actually what George Clooney is up to right now.

First Angelina, now George.  Hey United Nations, you guys realize that actors are just really good looking people who memorize words that someone else wrote for them, right?  Aren’t there more qualified folks out there… some nerds who were studying foreign policy in the 80’s rather than playing a handyman on The Facts of Life?  I heard Snooki has some opinions on the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons in North Korea, why don’t you guys give her a call!