Posts Tagged ‘Star Jones’

Dear NeNe Leakes…

Tuesday, May 10th, 2011

SPOILER ALERT (for people who watch extremely popular reality shows 2 days after they air): Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s NeNe Leakes quit Celebrity Apprentice. UGH!!!! Right?? It was a real bummer because she truly was a joy to watch. As I’ve said before on this blog, I think more shows could benefit from the addition of catfights (ie. The CBS Evening News With Katie Couric) and Celebrity Apprentice proves once and for all that I’m a genius and all of my theories about popular culture are pretty much spot on. The constant battle between Star Jones and NeNe Leakes was one for the ages. Years from now, people will look back at this time period and ask (after inquiring about one’s stance on Twilight and late night TV hosts — firmly Teams Edward and Coco, for the record) “Team Nene or Team Star?”… and those of us who are sane enough to see that Star Jones is a horrible, horrible, conniving human being who thinks that just because she’s a lawyer she’s better than everyone (uh, news for you Star Jones, everyone hates lawyers; it’s not impressive — haven’t you seen a movie, like, EVER?… you guys are pretty much always the bad guys and universally reviled, PLUS — and maybe this is an even more important point — I know a lot of really dumb people who went to law school… sooooo, how about you zip yer lip with the whole “I’m a lawyer” B.S.)… we’ll band together and proudly declare: TEAM NENE!!!

Dear un-named Navy SEALs who croaked that dipshit bin Laden,

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

On a day like today who can write fan mail to reality TV stars (Nene Leakes deserves a shout out after throwing down with Star Jones last night on Celebrity Apprentice) or baby-making songstresses (Mariah Carey finally popped!) or the object of random celebrity sightings (I did a show with Brian Dunkleman — the original host of American Idol — on Friday night; not braggin, just… well yes, I guess I’m bragging)? Celebrities schmelebrities, today my heart felt fan mail goes to the brave ass-kickers who wacked Osama bin Laden last night!

As many of my readers know, I spent some time in the Navy myself. Granted, the most dangerous thing I ever did was attempt a 10-minute jump rope workout on the flight deck of a Guided Missile Destroyer* that was rocking and rolling in the unpredictable seas of the Northern Arabian Gulf (very, very bad idea). Oh, and then this one other time I got into the habit of eating a pie (no shit, a whole pie**) every single day for like two months of a six month deployment so that I no longer fit into any of my uniforms… not really dangerous but trust me, VERY uncomfortable. Tight pants are a girl’s worst enemy. Speaking of enemies (what a segue!), we all have one less of them today thanks to a handful of brave Navy SEALs. Thanks, guys. keep up the good work. You, and everyone else in our military are what make us the best damn country on earth! (well jazz and corn dogs helped too, but it’s really mostly you guys)

* Shout out to USS HIGGINS!! What what!!
** Seriously, another day, another pie: lemon meringue, pecan, strawberry cream, apple, key lime… it was amazing! Until I put on 18 pounds. Then it was the opposite of amazing.