So I’m watching the Superbowl… just lovin’ life, throwing back some beers, eating 1000′s of calories worth of guacamole and enjoying some high production value commercials with my pals. It was just another fun day of using football as an excuse to eat and drink excessively with friends. Life doesn’t get better than this, right?… until… sandwiched between “wacky” curly haired commercial actors doing spit-takes for no reason and Ferris Bueller bringing me back to my youth, Clint Eastwood appears and brings everyone down. Oh yeah, we’re all broke. Oh yeah, the whole country is pretty much broke. Oh shit, Clint, you’re right, life is just crap. Well thanks. Thanks a lot. Someone get Danica Patrick or that kid from last year with the Darth Vader mask on the horn, America needs them!
Yankees player Alex Rodriguez dumped Cameron Diaz after almost a year of dating because “she was too needy”. Well of course she was needy, she’s slowly watching every decent guy in Hollywood get scooped up. I mean, when Scarlett Johansson starts dating Sean Penn you know the pickins are slim (in related news, they just broke up — surprise surprise!). Over the years my feelings towards Cameron Diaz have been like the waves she’s constantly talking about surfing… sometimes I’m riding high on the “Cameron Diaz is hilarious” crest (My Best Friend’s Wedding) and sometimes I’m drowning in the “how can a person this annoying be this famous” rip tide (everything other than My Best Friend’s Wedding).
According to the crack reporting team over at fitPerez, the couple broke up because Cameron was needy and tried too hard to please him… which is code for “why the hell that bitch gotta feed me popcorn in front of the whole world like that!?” Let’s get real, that popcorn-feeding shot of them during the last Superbowl was curtains for this relationship. For some couples it’s money issues, or lack of communication, or infidelity, but we should never overlook the silent relationship killer: Orville Redenbacher.
Yesterday at the Superbowl, Christina Aguilera messed up the words to the National Anthem . Sooooooo, that’s gotta suck. I think now is the perfect time for her to play the Latina card again like she did back in 2000 when they started the Latin Grammy Awards and she realized that if she just rolled the R in her last name she could drop a Spanish album and take home a trophy. How’s she supposed to know the words to the National Anthem when she’s Mexican — or whatever — and English is her second language?! (just go with me on this one, Xtina)
The good news for Christina is that most people have already forgotten about her little goof because the Black Eyed Peas’ half-time show was a whole lot worse. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that everything is relative. Like when I worked at Dairy Queen in high school I used to give out free ice-cream cakes to all my friends, but was a model employee compared to this chick Kate who stole rolls of quarters (“each roll is 10 bucks!!!”) and smoked Marlboro Reds in the walk-in freezer (“it’s like the ice cream absorbs the smoke or something!!”). It’s alllllll relative.