Posts Tagged ‘The Hills’

Dear Lo Bosworth’s Twitter ghost writer…

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

Casey Anthony was found not guilty!  Here’s what I’m assuming the jury was made up of: picture the dumbest kid you ever went to school with, then imagine him as an adult, then divide his IQ in half because he lives in Florida and subtract a few more because he wasn’t smart enough to get out of jury duty, then figure you’ve got 12 of that guy listening to fancy lawyers and their big words and their loopholes and their LSAT logic.  Yeah, sounds like our legal system is right on track!  My concern is this, if a maniac like Casey Anthony can be found innocent, then a person who is just as innocent as she is guilty, could be found guilty (damn, I would’ve aced the LSATs).  I’ve always had one of those faces that makes people say “you look just like someone I know”… that’s only a few steps away from an eye witness saying “you look just like the person I saw commit a homicide” and another hop skip and a jump away from my most significant TV credit being MSNBC’s Lockup: Extended Stay – Valley State Women’s Prison where I’m getting trashed on liquor I made in a toilet and giving myself a gang tattoo with a Bic and a bedspring.

PS. I wrote the fan mail to Lo Bosworth’s (from MTV’s The Hills, dad) twitter ghost writer because clearly she didn’t write this:

I mean, come on now.

Dear Lauren Conrad…

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

I recently happened upon the slacker pic below of Lauren Conrad and it put the biggest smile on my lazy-piece-of-shit face.  See, celebrities really are just like us.  That is, if you consider a reality TV star a celebrity and you consider yourself well, someone who hates to work out.

Let’s analyze this pic:  she’s not sweating (just a lil’ bit of sweat and those $200 Gold Ray-Ban Aviators would slide right off her nose, duh)… she’s smiling (you can’t exert yourself physically and maintain a grin, just ask the Williams sisters, they constantly look TERRIFYING)… she’s got a drink in her hand (always a dead give-away that you’re planning on taking lots of “breaks”)… oh L.C., this is my kind of workout!

Now don’t get me wrong, I exercise  Just yesterday I went to the gym and took the most intense Hip Hop Cardio Fusion class ever.  The teacher was definitely (I think) a transsexual lady, which would be great if I was the type of gal who wanted some intense physical conditioning.  However, when you’re just there because you need to be able to tell yourself “I worked out today” so you don’t feel guilty when you scarf down a McDonald’s #2, then the last quality you look for in a Hip Hop Cardio Fusion instructor is legitimate male endurance.

She looked like a sexy lady, but she worked out like a dude — a tough dude who was doing circuits with 25 lb weights (I started with 5 pounders, quickly downgraded to 3lbs, and ended up ditching weights altogether).  She actually made an old Asian chick leave because she couldn’t do the bear crawl across the room with the rest of the class.

Thanks but no thanks, Transsexual Hip Hop Cardio Fusion Instructor!  You can keep your insane group* bear crawls, your exhausting mountain climbers and your these-were-used-as-punishment-in-my-middleschool squat thrusts.  I’ll be in Brentwood walking at a brisk pace with L.C.

* Minus one old Asian lady who, in all honestly, had no business being in this class — she had tai chi written all over her.