Posts Tagged ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’

Dear Alec Baldwin…

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011


Earlier this month Ben & Jerry’s launched a flavor called “Schweddy Balls”, inspired by one of the best SNL sketches of all time starring Alec Baldwin.  Grumpy, no-fun moms everywhere are boycotting the flavor because they don’t like what Ben & Jerry have named it.  Hey moms of America, we haven’t liked what you gals have been naming your kids for years now, so until I stop seeing “names” like these* popping up on Toddlers & Tiaras, you can all shut your pie holes:

Saryniti
Baylen
Kaleigha
Sparkal
Makynli
Essence
Bayleigh
Kragan

And for the record, it’s vanilla ice cream mixed with a hint of rum, fudge covered rum balls, and milk chocolate malt balls that we’re talking about here, not annoying 3-year-old prima donnas.  You can call this ice cream “Shit in a Pint Container” and I’d still rather spend my afternoon getting brain freeze than hanging with your little princess.

* No shit, I didn’t make a single one of those up.  Child protective services should be watching more TLC — it oughta be a crime to name your kid a misspelling.

Dear Eminem…

Thursday, February 24th, 2011

Eminem has just passed Lady Gaga as the world’s most popular living person on Facebook.  I’ll be honest, I think it has less to do with his latest CD and more to do with that Chrysler ad.  Have you guys seen it?  Making Detroit look look anything less than straight up terrifying — that takes some skill.  He already won a Grammy this year, is there time for the Oscars to add a new category: “Best Lead in a Commercial”?  I mean let’s face it, Detroit is a total shit hole.  It’s like a bigger, dirtier Buffalo — but at least Buffalo has good wings.  Detriot’s got nothing other than, uh, hmmmm, well… I really wanted to put something good right here and after 3 minutes of staring at my computer screen I can’t seem to think of a single thing.  Yet somehow you throw Eminem behind the wheel of a Chrysler and score it with some pulsating “8 Mile” tunes and I’m over here rooting for Detroit like it’s an ugly 3-year old on Toddlers & Tiaras or the homeless son of an addict on Idol.  Let’s go Detroit!!

PS. Just discovered one good thing about Detroit: they’re erecting a life size statue of Robocop downtown. Ok ok Detroit, sheesh! You win!

Dear Lindsay Lohan (3rd time!)…

Thursday, February 10th, 2011

Lindsay Lohan went to court yesterday and plead not guilty to the Felony Grand Theft charge against her for “allegedly” stealing a necklace from a jewelry store in Venice (my hood!). This “allegedly” stuff is bullshit. Unless the word “allegedly” has been redefined as “definitely” then I don’t know why everyone insists on using it in this context.

To court she wore a white skin-tight mini-dress, so basically the only way she could’ve been more inappropriately dressed would be if she wore the necklace she allegedly (read: definitely) stole. The judge did nothing but give her a stern warning and tell her that she was “no different than anyone else”… yeah, anyone else who gets away with stealing a $2500 dollar necklace.

PS. Yes, that fan mail was written on a picture of the actual necklace she stole. And yep, those are little gold handcuffs. And no, I’m not messing with you.

PPS. I wrote this post while watching Toddlers & Tiaras so if any of it doesn’t make sense blame those little vixens in the Ohio Southern Celebrity Pageant.