Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’

Dear Tom Cruise…

Friday, October 7th, 2011

Sure he’s weird, believes in aliens, is in a fake hetero-sexual marriage, and wouldn’t have lasted very long growing up in the Lillis household with my mom’s “no jumping on the couch” rule, there’s at least one thing that no one can take away from Tom Cruise: he’s a PARTY STARTER!!!

Exhibit 1, 2 and 3: Tom’s dance-off at a head of Oracle Larry Ellison’s son’s wedding.

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Dear Katie Holmes…

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

It’s common knowledge that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise got married because he wanted to be seen as a straight, married, fatherly type and she wanted to be seen as something other than Joey Potter from Dawson’s Creek so she signed a creepy Scientology contract worth hundreds of millions of dollars and probably even got a bonus for that lil’ pumpkin/alien* Suri.  Nicole Kidman did the same thing back in the day.  Come on, you guys know this already, right?

Talk about plan backfiring!  The latest Katie Holmes flop is the TV mini-series “The Kennedys” (she played Jackie O) that was produced for The History Channel and was canceled this week — before it ever even aired.  The girl can’t even get some face time on The History Channel??  They’ve got an entire series devoted to people who drive trucks on ice!  And a hit show about two guys going antiquing… literally, that’s the whole show, two nerds just buying old shit.

The curse of Tom Cruise must end!  Tear up that contract, Katie!

* I don’t know much about Scientology but I once heard that they think babies come from outer space.  I would do some research but I’m afraid the second I google “Scientology” my computer will get tagged by those wackos and I’ll have someone knocking at my door trying to get me to take a “stress test” that results in me spending all future Sunday afternoons in a trance with Jenna Elfman and Jada Pinkett Smith.

Dear Val Kilmer…

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Oooooh taxes.  Such a pain in the ass.  Val Kilmer was in the news today because the IRS filed a lein against him for nearly $500,000.  Merry Christmas from Uncle Sam!

Like Val, I myself have a serious aversion to paying taxes — not in theory, but the actual physical act of filing taxes.  If they only made filing your taxes as easy as filing an extension to file your taxes, then I’d be all set.  There’s just so much math and fine print.  Those are both things that always, no matter where in life you run into them, completely suck.  Like, one second I think I’m pre-approved for a new credit card, then I read the fine print and see that it’s “subject to approval”.  What kind of operation are they running over there at Visa, by the way?  Maybe if I could actually get approved I’d be able to throw down some plastic when the IRS comes calling but until then I’ll just continue to ignore their empty threats of wage garnishment and leins.