Posts Tagged ‘twilight’

Dear Nikki Reed…

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Well la dee da, look at little miss fancy pants.  Nikki Reed (I know, you’re like “who??” — she’s one of the chicks in Twilight) got married last weekend and she wore a dress that was adorned with 100 diamond buttons.

She’s damn lucky those Occupy Wall Street protesters aren’t reading Us Weekly or she’d have had a dirty hippy sit-in at her elegant Malibu affair — and nothing ruins a classy event like a drum circle.

Dear Jonah Hill…

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011

Today, on National Coming Out Day, the former-fatty-turned-awkwardly-svelte Jonah Hill broke up with his girlfriend of three years.  Here’s a factual list I completely made up for you:

TOP 3 WORST POSSIBLE DAYS OF THE YEAR FOR A GUY TO BREAK UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND
#1 April Fools’ Day
#2 Her birthday
#3 National Coming Out Day

Valentine’s Day and Christmas are also pretty shitty choices.  I’d also stay away from Hanukkah, that is, if you can figure out exactly when it starts and ends (EXTREMELY confusing; has something to do with sundown and the Hebrew calendar but I can never quite nail it down.  Very mysterious, those Jews.  Christmas is simple, same date every year and only one way to spell it.  On the other hand, the number of H’s, K’s and N’s  in Chanukah (not to mention the real loosey-goosey usage of that “C”) is more up in the air than a really boring 2009 movie starring George Clooney and that chick from Twilight.