Posts Tagged ‘twitter’

Dear Matt Lauer…

Monday, November 26th, 2012

Everyone hates Matt Lauer. Like seriously, you guys. EVERYONE. Except for me. So I’m standing up for him against some of his fiercest* Twitterenemies.

* The first 4 people who came up when I searched “hate Matt Lauer”.

 

Ted, don’t mean to get all esoteric here, but isn’t that really a chicken and the egg kind of thing? If there was no Matt Lauer, would mindless blather be coming out of his face? And if mindless blather wasn’t coming out of his face, would he really be Matt Lauer? So to answer your question: it’s impossible to hate one or the other since they are interdependent, therefore your question is flawed. Try again.

Notorious P.A.T., your twitter name is as bad as the term “swag pop”. If you’re going to hate Matt you should also hate yourself.

Kelstar, you didn’t necessarily say you hated Matt Lauer but your implication is that he should be more like Kathie Lee and Hoda and I say “cheers to that!”. Can someone at the Today Show please get Matty a 6am glass of Chard? I think we all agree it will do wonders.

Sabby, you had me at Nicolas Cage (duh), but lost me at Norah Jones. Who hates Norah Jones? I’ll tell you who: my ex-boyfriend and he was a real dick. Take a long hard look in the mirror sabby, are you a real dick? If so, maybe Matt Lauer isn’t the problem, maybe the problem is you.

Dear Ricky Gervais…

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes this past weekend — and I’d like to say, in my best British accent) can we do something about these bloody boring awards?  The faces are the same, the speeches are identical, the fake surprised looks are predictable, even George Clooney’s little pranks are getting boring.  That being said, I’m not one to just bitch about something without coming up with a plan (I mean, I was my high school class Secretary, you don’t win that prestigious post without learning a thing or two about making a sold plan of action).

HOW TO MAKE THE NEXT GOLDEN GLOBES (AKA THE OSCARS) A HUGE HIT
1. All speeches should be short enough to be tweeted. 140 characters bitches!
2. Host: I’m gonna be flexible here… any member of any season of any version of The Real Housewives.
3. 4 drink minimum before anyone is allowed to speak.
4. Everyone comes dressed as their favorite civil war hero!
5. No shoes. For anyone. And then cover the floor in hot coals!
6. All interlude music is The Benny Hill theme song.
7. Losers are locked in cages and tormented by Dame Helen Mirren.
8. At the end of every speech, the recipient is required to say the phrase “but let’s be real here, we’re just actors, we’re not saving the world or anything, maybe we should get over ourselves.”*

* Angelina and Brad are exempt from #8 because I think they actually are saving the world.

Dear Jon Bon Jovi…

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

Bon Jovi is one of those guy who you don’t even know you’d miss until you think (for a period of about 45 minutes yesterday thanks to this fake post that went viral) that he might be dead.

There are two things I’m taking from this latest wildly viral celebrity death hoax:

1) Bon Jovi is not dead, as proven by the picture he posted yesterday afternoon.

And…

2) I’m doing this whole internet thing all wrong.  Why blog every day trying to slowly build a fan base, increase page views and time on site, and hopefully get some respectable SEO stats than can be used to parlay my hard work and clever writing into something more, when all you really need to do post a fake random celeb death.  With all that in mind, I’d like to take a moment and say:

RIP BRONSON PINCHOT

You will be missed :(

Dear Charlie Sheen…

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I’m rooting for Charlie Sheen to get his shit together, I really am.  Certainly texts along these lines aren’t a good sign:


He may have ditched the cocaine and the goddesses and the tiger blood, but he’s cavorting with something even more dangerous to his career: Tara Reid.  In the dictionary next to the word “trainwreck” you’ll find a picture of a railroad accident, then you’ll actually notice that you’ve spelled it wrong and it’s two words.  If there’s a letter (b) in the dictionary entry there’s gonna be a picture of Patrick Monahan and his band mates getting drunk.  The point of this story is that if I were writing the dictionary Tara Reid would be at the top of that list.  Oh and also, I’d only use pictures in my dictionary.  You know why?  Cuz screw words, that’s why.

Moral of this terribly told story: ix-nay on the ara-Tay, Charlie.  She is not WINNING.

Dear Kat Von D…

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Kat Von D was on twitter today calling her ex Jesse James a cheater.  And the entire world replied with a collective “duh”.

Listen, when you date a guy who cheats on Sandra Bullock, you’ve got to realize what you’re getting yourself into.  It’s like dating Snooki and expecting her to start wearing underwear and not show her vagina to hundreds of club-going Italians (ahem, Jionni, are you listening?).  When the WHOLE COUNTRY is calling someone a cheater, you kinda gotta listen.  Just like in college when the whole football team called my boyfriend “Gay Timmy”, maybe I shoulda taken note.

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow…

Friday, July 29th, 2011

You know how when you think of Gwyneth Paltrow you think snobby, too-cool-for-school actress-type who says things like “we’re summering in Merrekech this year” and eats gluten-free scones and never farts?  Folks, it’s time to add “hilarious joke teller” to that list.  Gwyneth, married to Coldplay front man Chris Martin, tweeted this afternoon:

Well look who’s moving in on my territory.  Gwyn, lock that shit up!  Last thing I need is more competition in the ‘pale blonde white girl who tells jokes’ category.  Go back to being effortlessly skinny and overwhelmingly annoying.

Dear Amanda Bynes…

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

Yesterday Amanda Bynes took to her twitter account to announce her adorable teacup Pomeranian Little Angel had gone missing. Several hours later things took a turn for the worse and she posted the upsetting news that Little Angel was no longer with us. So sad!

Life just isn’t fair. It’s stories like this that make one wonder: why do bad things happen to good dogs? And instead, why can’t bad things happen to bad dogs… like the giant Black Lab Stormy who lives next door to me and takes the most gigantic shits all over my neighborhood; huge Black Lab monster turds just waiting there for me to step in with my gym shoes (the good news is that I usually get a buffer of at least one elliptical machine on either side at the gym because no one wants to sniff doodie while they’re on the Precor.) Little Angel just hung out in Amanda Bynes’s purse all day. She probably took precious little rabbit turd-like poos which I’m sure a classy dame like Amanda would gingerly pick up with a tissue and immediately dispose of. Not like Stormy’s owner… she likes to let the boulder-sized dumps sit around and rot for awhile until they get all hard and white and crusty; it’s like a poop sculpture art installation out in front of my building — a mini dookie Stonehenge.

But somehow in this crazy, messed up world we live in, Little Angel is gone and Stormy’s alive and kicking and just shittin’ away the days. Good call, Universe! Goooood call.

 

How I'm handling the Stormy situation

Dear Jackie Chan…

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

False alarm!  Despite “RIP Jackie Chan” being a trending topic on twitter all day today, it was just a hoax and Jackie is alive and well!  These crazy internet pranksters — their creativity knows no bounds!  I can picture the guy behind this one… just your typical winner sitting in his mom’s basement, jerking into a tube sock and coming up with the next pointless hacky goof to play on the twitterverse in order to feel like he exerts some influence in this world beyond bossing his mom around when she effs up his grilled cheese and dressing his “girlfriend” all slutty-like in Second Life.  Yeah, a real winner.

I’d like to propose a new segment for the Oscars next year: “In Memoriam — J/K!!” It’ll be just like the regular “In Memoriam” segment, but way more fun because it’ll all be a big hoax.  I mean, come on, just ask the prankster behind this Chan gag, there’s nothing more hilarious than pretending people unexpectedly died a gruesome, sad and untimely death!

Dear Rebecca Black…

Monday, March 21st, 2011

[Quick Rebecca Black primer (mostly for my dad):  The new poster child for “so bad, it’s good,” she’s a 13-year-old girl whose parents hired a company to produce a heavily auto-tuned pop video which now has 30 million hits on Youtube and the single, which was released this past weekend, is at #19 on iTunes.]

People are giving this girl a lot of shit because the lyrics are soooo bad and the singing is soooo bad and the video is soooo bad… these people clearly never heard of a little girl group known as the Kool Kids (how Kardashian of us, right?!) that came out of Erie, Pennsylvania back in the late ‘80’s.  I was the front woman of the band, as well as the co-writer (along with BFF and Naked Thanks blogger, Stacey Pfarr) of our only single “I Had A Party In My Bathroom Last Night.”  Let me give you a taste of our sweet, sweet lyrics:

I had a party in my bathroom last night.
I had a party in my bathroom last night.
Everyone was there,
Except for Claire and Blaire.
I had a party in my bathroom last night.

The bathtub was rockin’.
And we partied by the sink.
Everyone was laughing and talkin’.
And it didn’t even stink.
I had a party in my bathroom last night.

So.  There’s that.  Pretty spectacular, right?  I would just like to take a moment and thank my parents for not hiring a company to produce the video for “I Had A Party In My Bathroom Last Night.”  Not only that, I’d like to thank the inventors of the internet for taking their time with it and making sure it didn’t exist until after the break-up of the Kool Kids.  I don’t know how Rebecca Black is handling it, but I don’t think my 13-year-old self could’ve coped with trending topics like #koolkidssuckass or #itookashitinmybathroomlastnightanditwasbetterthanthekoolkids.

 

Dear Justin Bieber…

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

Justin Bieber was on David Letterman on Monday to promote his upcoming film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (wasn’t that a Bond movie?) and he briefly tried to explain to Dave what tweeting is.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, a black person the breaststroke, or anyone over 50 what a DM is.  I tried to explain Twitter to my mom last time I was home and it was a total role reversal of what I’m sure it was like teaching me anything when I was a kid…

ME: So one cool thing is that people can mention you in their tweets.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that way you can see that they mentioned you.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because you can click on this “@Mentions” tab right here and every tweet that has your name in it shows up.
MOM: Why?
ME: Because that’s how Twitter works.
MOM: Why?
ME: BECAUSE I SAID SO!

By the time we got to the “but why are there all these pound signs everywhere?” part of the conversation, I gave up. Good news is, however, she’s finally got Facebook mastered!  No more personal emails posted on my wall.  Go mom!

ps. Happy Black History Month!