Posts Tagged ‘twitter’

Dear Jessica Simpson…

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Classic Jessica Simpson TMI moment on Twitter the other day:

“Thank you Lord for blessing me with a Man that has the perfect Tush. Laying my hands upon it with peace:)”

I don’t know where Jessica learned to pray, but it definitely wasn’t from my first grade teacher at Our Lady’s Christian School, Sister Anne Louis.  That lady really knew her shit.  She had 30 seven-year-olds reciting The Our Father like it was a Barney’s Sing-Along.  First Communion… Confirmation… Twelve years of “Religion” class… not bragging or anything, but I think I’m kind of an expert on things you’re supposed to pray for… and thanking God for a perfect tush is not on the list.

ps.  “Tush”??  Really? Just because you wear mom jeans, doesn’t mean you have to use mom words.

Dear Selena Gomez…

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

18-year-old Disney actress (who I can only distinguish from Demi Lovato because Demi went to rehab and this chick hasn’t… yet) Selena Gomez is getting death threats because of her relationship with 16-year-old pop singing sensation Justin Bieber.  A few recent Twitter posts  from some less-than-thrilled “Beliebers” say things like:

“I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!!”
“If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!”

Selena’s camp is amping up her security detail and taking extra precautions in light of the recent threats.

Oh come on… what’s the big whoop?  She’ll be fine.  She’s got JUSTIN BIEBER to protect her.

Dear Morgan Freeman…

Monday, December 20th, 2010

Last week, some guy (@originalcjizzle) retweeted a made-up CNN tweet that said Morgan Freeman was dead.  Here’s what he tweeted:

RT @CNN: Breaking News: actor Morgan Freeman has passed away in his Burbank home<< wow legendary actor #RIPmorganfreeman.

To be clear, CNN never tweeted that, which is the really hilarious part of it all.  That tweet was then retweeted and retweeted and it became a trending topic and was then picked up by a bunch of news outlets and next thing you know…  all of twitter thinks Morgan Freeman is dead.

Now I’m sure Morgan Freeman has no idea what the hell just went on.  I mean, come on, can you imagine trying to explain that to a 73-year-old?  I know 30-year-olds who still haven’t mastered hashtags and have no clue why everyone tweets “FF” once a week.  Explaining Twitter to someone over 70 is like explaining Twitter to someone under 3 — they don’t give a shit what you’re talking about, but chances are they’ve pissed themselves and need a nap.

ps. Is that what a 3-year-old looks like? I have no clue how old the baby in that picture is because I live in Los Angeles and the last time I saw a child was 2 years ago at an audition when I was forced to improv with a 6-year-old.  Afterwards he told me he was trying to “bring depth to his performance” by “creating a character who the inner child in all of us can relate to”… soooooooo, are kids everywhere douchebags or is that just an LA thing?