Posts Tagged ‘Us Weekly’

Dear Nikki Reed…

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Well la dee da, look at little miss fancy pants.  Nikki Reed (I know, you’re like “who??” — she’s one of the chicks in Twilight) got married last weekend and she wore a dress that was adorned with 100 diamond buttons.

She’s damn lucky those Occupy Wall Street protesters aren’t reading Us Weekly or she’d have had a dirty hippy sit-in at her elegant Malibu affair — and nothing ruins a classy event like a drum circle.

Dear Khloe Kardashian…

Monday, March 28th, 2011

Khloe Kardashian has always been my favorite member of the E! Armenian triumvirate. Kim is the hot one. Kourtney is the boring one (who luckily has an insane boyfriend/baby daddy to keep scenes interesting). And Khloe was always the funny one. She also used to be the fat one but those days are gone (lookin good Khloe!). The problem is, the hotter she gets, the lamer she gets. I long for the days when she’d enter a room and verbally bitch slap a family member with a Khloeism (ie. “I hear the pitter-patter of a dinosaur,” as her mom walks in).  Lately it’s just a bunch of hot chick BS.  Let me make my case…

Exhibit A: this article in People (CLICK HERE). It’s all about her sex schedule with Lamar… ovulation calendars… how many days of the month she’s fertile… and she’s not even trying to get pregnant yet. Imagine this chick knocked up, it’ll be nothing but features in Us Weekly about lactation consultants and tummy time (fyi I don’t know what either of those terms mean, I googled “things pregnant people talk about” and that’s what I got).

Exhibit B: WTF is THIS? Ans: Unbreakable. Khloe and Lamar’s unisex fragrance. Fellas, for all those times you’ve thought “I just wish I smelled a little more ladylike.” Let’s be real, perfume is good, cologne is nice… but you ruin them both by combining them. It’s like peanut butter and chicken wings. Or jeggings.

Exhibit C: PDA. Constant, non-stop PDA which we’re all about to see a lot more of on their new reality show, Khloe & Lamar.  I get it, you guys love each other and you love making love (blech, call it sex already) and you love being one with one another both figuratively and olfactorally, but does the world have to see your spit flying? Your tongues wagging?  Get a room!  (or a giant house in Calabasas with manicured shrubbery and multi-car garages and walk in shoe closets… WHY?!  WHY CAN’T I FIND A NICE NBA PLAYER TO WHISK ME AWAY AND GIVE ME A LIFE LIKE KHLOE’S??!!  A LIFE FILLED WITH NANNIES AND PEDICURES AND GLUTEN-FREE SCONES!  I WANT A FANCY NBA WIFE EXISTENCE.  DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD?  ARE YOU LISTENING? I JUST WANT A MAN WHO’S BEEN TO THE PLAYOFFS, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???)

So, ummmm, have a good Monday!

Dear Dr. Drew…

Wednesday, March 9th, 2011

Michaele Salahi (half of the wily duo made famous by penetrating multiple layers of White House security to sneak into Obama’s first state dinner while being filmed for a Bravo reality show) was just booted from Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab because, get this, she’s not addicted to anything.  I’ve been noodling over this one and I think the good doctor’s logic is all wrong.  The fact that she’s not addicted to anything, yet at the same time was on a reality show whose sole purpose is to cure people who have addictions, proves that she’s addicted to fame.  Or infamy.  Or being on the cover of Us Weekly.  There’s an addiction for you: addicted to seeing oneself while lining up with your “10 items or less”.  The problem is, if I’ve diagnosed this correctly, ejecting her from the show was the worst thing Dr. Drew could’ve done because I’m sure she’ll be on In Touch within days with the headline “Even Dr. Drew Couldn’t Help Me” or some shit like that.  Hopefully Christina Aguilera will keep spiralling out of control and stay on top of the celeb rags.  Oh look, she is.