Over the holidays Russell Brand and Katy Perry told the world they were ending their marriage. Nooooooooo! From a girl who’s currently engaged to be married (me!, I know I know, enough talkin about it already) — IF RUSSELL BRAND AND KATY PERRY CAN’T MAKE IT, WHO CAN??!
Well la dee da, look at little miss fancy pants. Nikki Reed (I know, you’re like “who??” — she’s one of the chicks in Twilight) got married last weekend and she wore a dress that was adorned with 100 diamond buttons.
She’s damn lucky those Occupy Wall Street protesters aren’t reading Us Weekly or she’d have had a dirty hippy sit-in at her elegant Malibu affair — and nothing ruins a classy event like a drum circle.
Sure he’s weird, believes in aliens, is in a fake hetero-sexual marriage, and wouldn’t have lasted very long growing up in the Lillis household with my mom’s “no jumping on the couch” rule, there’s at least one thing that no one can take away from Tom Cruise: he’s a PARTY STARTER!!!
Exhibit 1, 2 and 3: Tom’s dance-off at a head of Oracle Larry Ellison’s son’s wedding.
Wow. Talk about a lot of change going on in my life right now. There’s a whole new fall TV lineup, Facebook just switched up the newsfeed layout, and oh yeah, I’M ENGAGED! It’s really pretty awesome — he proposed just last weekend and I’ve already seen us getting closer. Like yesterday for the first time in our 2 1/2 year relationship he took a shit without closing the bathroom door. Ahhhh, romance.
I’m planning on being a total Bridezilla (because I’ll do anything for a TV credit) so if anyone over at WeTV is reading… call me!
Kim Kardashian was married over the weekend and, while most young couples get themselves in debt with $34 mixed medium wedding invitations and personalized scented soy candle party favors, Kim will be earning a cool $15 million on her big day. Happy Monday!
The problem is, no matter how much money she makes or how successful she becomes, her wikipedia entry will forever start with “made famous by getting pissed on by Brandy’s brother in a skeevy sex tape” (I’m paraphrasing here… but honestly not by much); a fact that her future children… her children’s children, will all be painfully aware of: “yeah, grandmama got peed on like a dirty little whore by some rapper” (is Ray J a rapper and, more importantly, am I racist for assuming that he is?). So, friends, it’s a matter of character, dignity, self-worth… a time to look deep into your soul, check in with your moral compass and ask yourself: “would I get pissed on for millions and millions of dollars?”. And the answer (of course) is a resounding HELL YEAH!!! Bring it!!!
On Friday afternoon the New York State Senate passed the Marriage Equality Bill, which means TLC is probably already in production on at least seven gay wedding shows — Say Yes to the Tux, Groomzillas, an even gayer version of David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding… honestly, this could get ugly. Time Warner needs to offer a bigger DVR box, pronto — I’m already hovering at 85% capacity with all the Housewives and the Tiara’d Toddlers and the standard guy-girl wedding garbage. I’m happy for the gays, don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled… but it seems sickly ironic that, while gays are celebrating what is most certainly a positive step for their relationships, my current relationship will be taking a giant step backwards if my boyfriend’s episodes of Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel start getting dropped in lieu of My Big Fat Gay Wedding.
85-year-old horndog Hugh Hefner was dumped by his 25-year-old aspiring pop singer fiancee yesterday, the same day she dropped her first single in iTunes. Such a CRAZY COINCIDENCE, right? It almost feels like she was using him to get some publicity for her fledgling music career, but that’s impossible because if anyone is a good judge of character it’s Hugh Hefner. He loves the sincere, genuine, intelligent, type.
I SAY GOOD FOR THIS CHICK! Hef was using her for her giant perky knockers and 25-year-old ladyparts and she was using him to get some downloads of the otherwise overwhelmingly unnoteworthy auto-tune mess called Club Queen. Sounds like a fair trade to me!
Sorry to break the news to you fellas, but Padma Lakshmi is officially off the market! The Top Chef hottie/host/from-what-I-can-gather-mostly-unqualified-food-critic married comedian Mark Curry in a secret Malibu ceremony last weekend! Mrs. Padma Curry is said to have worn a Carolina Herrera gown with pearl beading, cap sleeves, and full tulle skirt — gorge!!
When I first heard this story I was kind of taken aback, I mean — Padma — and Mr. Cooper? But then you think about it and it totally makes sense. I mean, she’s the host of a super successful television show… and he hasn’t been on TV since the late 90’s. So it’s a real yin and yang, opposites attract kinda thing. Like how he’s a comedian so presumably he says funny things, and on Top Chef she pretty much only says super boring obvious stuff. Like, duh, Padma, we know Richard’s fois gras ice cream was “risky”.
What I’m trying to say is I think this is gonna last!
Nicole Richie got married last weekend and as part of the lavish wedding festivities, she had a live elephant wandering around the party for entertainment. Here’s what PETA had to say about it:
“We know that Nicole is opposed to the way in which baby elephants are slammed to the ground and gouged with steel-tipped bullhooks in order to train them… We’re writing to her privately to respectfully ask her to keep exotic animals off her guest list for future celebrations.”
“Slammed to the ground and gouged with steel-tipped bullhooks”? Wow. Thanks for that visual PETA. I was just thinking “wedding… cake… flowers… happy shit…” and you guys roll in with the “steel-tipped bullhooks”. Sooooo, now this is awkward because I thought the elephants sounded pretty awesome. I mean, come on, even you guys gotta admit… elephants? At a wedding?!
I say if you’re gonna go with elephants at a wedding, you should keep the whole theme consistent — circus wedding!! Bridesmaids roll up in a clown car, groomsmen are nothing but midgets and circus freaks, a Fat Lady officiates and then the happy couple rides off into the sunset on the back of a tiger!
We all know that the moment you break up with someone you enter into an all out race between you and your ex to find love and happiness. The first one to that finish line gets to passive-aggressively rub this happiness in their ex’s face via strategically placed pictures on Facebook or, for celebs, PerezHilton and US Weekly. For Jessica Simpson, this race began in June of 2006 and a week ago I would’ve said her chances for victory were slim thanks to the recent engagement of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo. Today, however, I’m happy to report that she has a real fighting chance!
Turns out that Jessica’s summer fling with Eric Johnson (I know, I know, you’re like “who?!”) turned into something pretty serious. Dating since May, Eric is that guy who went to Yale, played for the NFL and turned down an acceptance to Wharton to get his MBA in order to stay in LA with Jessica. Because when you think of Jessica Simpson, don’t you instantly think “Ivy League”?
Now that we’re in the final stretch of this relationship Cannonball Run, I’m not sure who will get down the aisle first. I am sure, however, that we’ll likely see both these nuptials on the VH1 or MTV’s 2011 lineup. Who ever expected Newlyweds to have a sequel?!